Taylor for the Night

Chapter 19

Twins?

TWINS.

I can't believe this nightmare!

Have I not been through enough?!

Bullying, Anorexia, Rape, my Mom's cancer diagnosis, an unwanted pregnancy, my best friend getting shot...and now this?!

Seriously, just the thought of how fat I am going to become from twins, terrifies me! I can still barely handle my anorexic tendencies now, so how am I possibly going to handle those thoughts when I start really showing?

God, can you just answer me? Please!!

No response.

Yah, that's what I thought, God doesn't even care about me and my messed up life anymore. Or maybe the sad truth is, He never really did to begin with.

Oh! and now the fact that I am going to have to go to court now over the whole evil best friend's brother / baby daddy...or in this case, "babIES daddy" incident!

How is a little family of two possibly going to pay for those expensive court bills, along with medical bills for both my pregnancy and my mother's chemotherapy?

I have to have money for those medical bills, because One, my Mother, my Only family, is dying! And two because if I don't get medical attention either the babies or I could get sick, or worse, die.

"I just can't handle this stress!!" I scream letting my thoughts be audible for the first time since my doctor's appointment earlier this morning.

In fact, these last couple hours have simply consisted of me driving, then parking, then crying and then praying desperately to some God that I am not even sure I believe in anymore. I mean if He is real, then why did He allow all of this to happen to me? Or more importantly my amazing mother?

I know I can't voice these doubts and opinions around my mother, which is why I am currently avoiding going home.

My amazing mother who is just sitting there at home, hopeful and positive, and ready to reassure me that God loves us, and has good plans for us. Yet at the same time, she's sitting there, she is fading away from immense pain, dying from her spreading cancer.

But yah know what? I don't think God is good at making plans. And maybe that verse Jeremiah 29:11, was really just a promise to Jeremiah and not everyone else. Maybe He really doesn't care, nor have a plan for us... whether good or bad!

I think I should have control of my own life from here on out. I may be only 17, but I am pregnant, so I am obviously not a little kid anymore!

And first thing first, I should have the right to decided to do what I want with these babies.

I don't think I could handle an abortion, not after seeing the little... things squirming around inside of me. That ultrasound and the feelings it arose, are definitely preventing me from wanting to enact what most people tend to consider to be the easiest option. Plus I still believe in a god creation story, even if I am unsure of His role in my life.

But why not adoption? Then these babies could have two loving parents to provide and care for them all of their lives and I would be free to continue on pursuing my own life and career.

I am too young to be a mother, and am definitely not prepared for it. So why should my Mom be forcing this role upon me?! You'd think from being a single mother herself she would know not to push such a hard life-long commitment upon me at only seventeen.

I know she thinks I will regret it, but honestly I don't think I will.

Maybe it's time to tell her...and Grace...my decision.

I pull out my phone, ready to call Grace when I think of how distraught she looked last time when I saw her at the hospital. I don't think she could handle the news at the moment. So maybe I should just wait a while to tell her... and my mother.

Maybe I should start attending my therapy sessions and start working through everything before completely committing to such a vast life decision.

Yah, I'm going to give it a shot.

The therapy that is, not the whole motherhood thing.

I restart the engine of my car and point my car in the direction of home, finally ready to show my mom my ultrasound pictures and inform her of my double surprise.

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"Hey Mom, I'm home!" I call out, shutting the front door behind me.

"Back here" A muffled voice calls out to me from the back bedroom.

I walk down the hall and open my door to see my mother lying there in her bed, reading her Bible.

How typical.

"Hey Mommy. I got something to show ya"
I smile enthusiastically as I sit down on the bed.

I don't know why, but suddenly I am all excited and nervous about showing my mother the babies ultrasounds.

"Remember Taylor, you're not keeping them" I mentally scold myself.

"Oh Taylor! How was the appointment? Are you healthy? Is the baby healthy? Did you keep your ultrasound pictures like I asked? When do you find out the gender? Will---"

"Mom" I interrupt, allowing her to catch her breath. "Here are the ultrasound pictures. Look closely at them."

Eagerly she takes the pictures, and holds them up close to her face, studying them intensely.

"They look a tad different from mine when I had you, but I am confused as to why they look different. What is it that I am looking for exactly?"

She takes a second look at them, before pointing at one particular picture.

"Taylor...Is that...is that a second baby?"

"Mom, I'm having twins!" I blurt out, the mixture of fear, and excitement both evident in my voice.

There's a slight pause and then....

"Oh my goodness! Twins! Ahh thank you Lord for this amazing gift! Oh Taylor I am so happy for you!" She squeals hugging me close.

"If only I was as happy as she was...."

"Have you told Grace yet?!"

"No, not yet. I want to tell you first." I meekly smile back at her. I thought she'd be excited, but I didn't expect her to be this excited. My decision is going to break her heart...

"Aww. That was sweet honey, but please let's call her! Here," She hands me her phone. "Let's call her on speaker phone and tell her together!"

So I allow my mom to dial the phone, and together we tell Grace about my double buns in the oven.

And then I excuse myself to rest, letting them continue their lively conversation about their hopes and plans for their grandchildren and niece(s) / nephew(s).

But little do they know they won't get to be an Aunt or a Grandmother, because these babies can't stay with me. Not when they are just a constant reminder of all the hell I have been through these last several years.

So I lay on my bed and cry myself to sleep, cursing Josh Jones existence.