something Unorthodox

13

During the week after that, we hadn't spoken much but I had made an effort to fix that. I felt odd by doing so but I had been determined. Our calls because less frequent. He had seemed to be drifting away but I was still holding on as tight as I could. I didn't want to let go. I was hooked and nothing was there to unlatch me.

Bella and all my other friends were utterly surprised. I had no longer wanted to entertain anyone else. No one else received as much attention as Zach had. It was actually scary in retrospect.

I was addicted.

I wants more of him and I was determined on getting it. I craved him in the most innocent way and he was not even aware. We organized another date at the same theatre we had hung out before. This time, we actually went to watch a movie, Zach's choice. During the movie, I had finally made my move. Zach was engrossed, I was engrossed too, but the difference was, only one of use was engrossed in the movie. Zach and I had done this thing once where I had licked his hand and he licked the same spot. We had humorously referred to it as a kiss. So every time I had said "Let's kiss" he would expect that to happen.

I had a different plan this time around. I turned to him, "Let's kiss."

It took him a while to peel his eyes off of the screen but he managed. He stretched his hand out for me to lick. I took it and pretended to lean in but instead, I put his hand on my neck, leaning in and planting a soft kiss on his lips.

I could lie right now and say it meant something but it didn't. His hesitation and monotonous gestures seemed to comprise itself into the kiss. 

That's when I realized it was a one way street, officially at least.

The rest of the day was mediocre. After the movie, we sauntered around and then sat down in the same place we did before. This time, he didn't hold me like he did before and I felt empty. He was changing. The whole idea of us was changing, actually.

 I left that night slightly disappointed with the outcome. I went to be, unusually unsatisfied. My life felt irrelevant. There was this one specific day when we were video-chatting and he insulted me in a joking manner. I had pretended to be hurt and he had replied to my actions with "You know I love you."

 Based on the time that he told me he would only say it if he meant it, I thought we were moving up a step.

I had to point it out. "So you meant it when you said it this time?"

His reply, "I was joking."

It was a joke. This whole thing was a joke.

I was probably exaggerating but I didn't like the idea of me being the only one attached. It felt as if I was grasping for dear life in the water while he looked on from the dry behind the railings of the boat. 

It felt toxic.