Little Did You Know

Her escape

Lexa stood barefoot on the beach, with her feet buried in sand and her gaze focused on the water and waves colored in the same dark blue as the night sky.
She was strangely calm considering Finn could have found out by then she was on the run.
But she didn't care. With what was on her mind she would be long gone before he could even find her, before anyone could find her.

She was emotionless and yet in so much pain, she couldn't think about anyone and anything but the past.
She thought about her dad and about the words he had whispered into her ear before he never spoke again.

"Lexa, come here." He had croaked out before Lexa had scooped closer. "Can you promise me something?"
Lexa had held back her tears, knowing her dad would go on his last adventure soon and never return
"Firstly, I want you to take care of your little sister but also of yourself too. Your mum will have to work double shifts from now on and you'll have to be the clever and brave big sister Raven will need."
He had stopped to scan his daughter who had been surprisingly mature for the age of 11.

Lexa remembered how he had wiped away tears that had been running down her cheeks by then.
"Most importantly you have to promise me to always chase your dreams. To become a happy and independent woman that could rule the world with just a little finger. I want you to find someone who treats you like a princess, who will take care of you as if you were the air to breathe. Man or woman doesn't matter, okay? If you or Raven shall ever fall in love with a woman.. that's quite alright. And anyone who doesn't treat you well doesn't deserve your attention, okay?"
"I promise dad."

Just now Lexa realised she had broken her promise the minute she trusted Finn, and she didn't know when she became so insecure and weak that a man could control her life. She wasn't independent, nor brave and even less happy. She hadn't been happy for many years.
Lexa simply couldn't believe how long she pretended to be happy and how often she forgave Finn every hit or kick he landed on her.
When had she become so weak? When had she lost her mind?
She waited for an answer but nothing came so she couldn't help but blame herself for everything. The broken promise, the pain she felt and the mess she was in.

It was pure despair and guilt that made Lexa wade through the water, until it reached just below her chin. She didn't flinch at the coldness on her skin and didn't mind the waves splashing against her face. She was already drowning in her own sea of pain, there was nothing worse to come.

A reflection of herself from years ago flashed her mind as a single tear ran down her cheeks and dropped into the sea.

She remembered Raven's 12th birthday which they had celebrated with their grandparents at the beach. She remembered the way Raven had let go of all the pain she had kept bottled up since their father's death. Lexa had watched her with pride before she headed somewhere quiet.
She had loved the ocean and the sun. She had loved the nature and herself. She had loved her hair, her voice, her laugh, everything.
She remembered she had loved to act and play in school theaters but also to spend time with her longtime friends and her little sister. She had loved to do any kind of sports and to ride her grandma's horse Johnny through the woods.

Sadly, the old times and teenage Lexa were gone.
The bubbly girl she used to be died years ago and yet Lexa didn't even notice.
How could she be so ignorant to herself to miss her own mental death? How could she let him treat her like nothing? How could she live with him for years?

A dull pain throbbed in her head and sent a numb feeling through her body.
Lexa was unsure whether it was the pain coming from her injuries or from her broken heart.
Regardless, there was only one way to stop all her pain at once. It might be selfish to even think about ending her life for once and for all but yet she had never been selfish before and had the right to think about herself just once.

All the blame and all the guilt was heavy on her chest, making it harder to breathe.
She was so sick of never being good enough.
She wasn't beautiful or sexy enough to satisfy Finn so he had to take it from her. It was her fault.
She had never been strong enough to leave him and was so weak she couldn't fight him back. It was her fault.
She was so sick of hiding all her pain she felt since years and she couldn't stand being around people anymore. People who secretly knew about Finn but were too blind to notice what he was doing to her but then again she blamed herself for being too weak to open her mouth to cry for help. It was her fault.
People, like her mother who criticised Finn from the start, telling her she deserved better. It was sad enough they had been right all along but yet what if she didn't deserve better? What if she didn't deserve to be happy? What if she did something in the past that justified her punishment? What if she will never be happy?
It was all her fault.

Another wave of guilt and self hatred hit Lexa in the face and she decided it was time to end her misery, to end the endless circle of pain.
She looked up into the sky, thinking about all the people she had hurt, without considering they might get hurt even more by her selfish decision to die.
In that moment, however, everything felt right for the first time in forever so she drew her last breath and forced herself underwater. She spread her arms like wings, ready to fly away, ready to be free.

It didn't take long until she felt the need to breathe again but she didn't. She just gave in and closed her eyes with a soft smile on her face.
She would never come back.

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Sorry for any mistakes,
Res.