Little Did You Know

The choice

Clarke's POV

I was walking up and down the pier but Lexa was nowhere in sight. Slowly but surely my worries increased and my heart beat heavy inside my rib cage.
Just as I was about to return to Octavia and Raven I saw a figure floating in the water. I couldn't make out what it was but my curiosity forced me to walk down to the beach to check it out.
The figure became more clearly with every step and suddenly my throat seized up and I covered my mouth.
Lexa.

"Lex?" I desperately whispered even though I secretly knew what was going on.
"Lexa!" I shouted this time while I waded through the water towards her pale body.
"No, no, no. This can't be happening. It's a fucking dream!"
I fought against the waves that separated me from Lexa. "It better be."

When I reached her I pulled her by her hood into my arms so I could drag her out of the water.
"Damn Lexa, come on just wake up."
Surprisingly, her eyes were already open.. but not looking at me.
At first, she appeared to be a lightweight but she became heavier with every step I made out of the cold. She felt like a big piece of rock and in the next moment she slipped out of my grip and fell on the ground with a muffled sound.

My heart stopped the moment I saw her pale face. I dropped down to my knees and placed two fingers on her neck, trying to find a pulse.
There it was! I could feel a very week pulse but she wasn't breathing anymore. It was just a matter of time when her pulse would fade as well and the chance to save her would be gone forever.

I held my breath as I sat down next to her and placed both of my hands on the center of her chest to push it down. Then I started pumping hard and fast just like my mother used to show me on a dummy when I was little.
I cursed myself for not showing much interest into CPR back then but who could have ever known something like this would  ever happen to me.
Shit! Goddamnit breathe Lexa!
After pumping for like 30 times I let go of her chest and placed my fingers on her cheeks. Tears were welling up inside the corner of my eyes as I tilted back her head  and lifted her chin forward to open her mouth and airway.
I pinched her nostrils shut and sealed her lips with mine. Her mouth was as cold as ice and I couldn't help but wondering whether I would ever be able to touch her lips again, obviously not under the same circumstances.

I blew all my air into her lungs and luckily, her chest rose - it worked but she still wasn't breathing. I gave her a second breath before I resumed chest compressions.
No movement. Not even a little twitch.
"Lexa come on!" I screamed between sobs. "Lexa please!"
-

Lexa' POV

I remembered being underwater and holding my breath for as long as possible. My body had the urge to breathe again but my will was stronger. I eventually gave in and inhaled some water instead of air and after some pointless spluttering and coughing I inhaled more.
A tearing and burning feeling appeared as water filled my airway and lungs but it didn't take long until the real calmness set in and I was gone.

What would death be like? What comes after you die? What happens to your soul?

All these are questions one would eventually have to face at a certain point in their lifetimes, and so did I but with the difference that I thought about them almost everyday.
Still, I could never find any answers so when I walked into the cold water to end it all, I accepted whatever would come next.
What in fact came next surpassed all of my expectations.
There was no heaven, no god or angels. There was no silence or light. There wasn't even a hell or anything close to that.
There was just me watching myself dying.

I saw Clarke grabbing my lifeless body and dragging it out of the water. I watched her trying to bring me back and I saw her crying. I even heard her screaming in pain and despair as she pushed my chest up and down without success.
While she did everything she could I was just.. watching as if it was a bad movie. I didn't even feel anything. Neither pain nor happiness. There was just a hole where my heart supposed to be. I just felt nothing.