All My Shit Is In A Book

Past

The past

The one that I have tried so hard to forget

It's coming back to haunt me

I'm not sure when or how but I know that it will be

Why, you ask, well it's all just a trip

To them it's all just a slip

A slip into the country, a quick chat

But we all know that it's much more than that

I was a freak

A geek

And I had a second chance and made me who I am

I made myself what I wanted, not giving a damn

Now I look back on that time

And it makes me feel sick to my stomach

To think that I was so small

Such a little doll

Or maybe not

I was weird

I was the girl no one wanted to be friends with

To talk, listen or play with

I know I was young and foolish

But I hate myself for who I was

A freak

A Crazy Little Girl

What else did they call me?

I was learning how to see

The darkness in everyone

I escaped though

I got a second chance

And I made myself into who I wanted to be

I thought that part was behind me

But now, my past is coming back to haunt me...

Sorry for the bad rhymes, not my best poem but there's a story that needs to be shared here... God, as I'm writing this I'm shaking... Here we go...So this poem was about my life. Around five  years ago, my family and I moved to Indonesia. It was fun and adventurous at first. Then school started. There was only 26 kids in the whole school and I was the only girl  in my grade. As you know, I am from Canada so this was a big change. There were a couple of girls who I hung out with. I thought we were great friends but it became very clear in the second year we were there, that I was wrong. These girls were not my friends and they hated me. They were only nice to me because their parents said they had to. After I found out that they hated me one of the girls began to make my life absolute hell. She bullied me and got everyone older than me to laugh at me and just be really mean. Thinking back on it now, these girls are the reason I have such bad mental breakdowns (anxiety, intrusive thoughts) but have gotten so good at hiding them. Anyways the other girls weren't as bad but they weren't exactly nice. None of them tried to stop the other girl who was the worst, I understand why they didn't like me. I was weird, you know those really geeky kids in the bad early 2000s movies. Minus the braces, that was me. I walked around wearing no bra(and let me tell you, I needed one) wearing peace sign tank tops and matching shorts. I also only wore crocs and I hated personal hygiene. I was a freak. That's when my life got better. We moved back home to Canada and I made myself into who I wanted myself to be. I  look back on that part of my life and the way I looked and acted makes me feel nauseous. Anyways, one of the girls I know who wasn't too bad, is coming here this Christmas break and I am excited but scared. She's older than me and I don't know if she'll still think I'm a freak. I want her to see me as I am now and I want everyone I knew in Indonesia to forget me. I have been up all night for the past week crying because of my anxiety attacks about this girl and that part of my life. I've tried so hard to forget who I was and just focus on me now but this girl coming back into my life has triggered something and I can't make it stop. Sorry to bore you with my life and problems, have a raindrop and a nice day. 💧. Thanks as always for your support and love. Stay beautiful-Ash

UPDATE!!!!!

Just thought that'd I'd update you guys on what actually happened. So we drove down south on the 27th of December, 2017 and finally got there at 1 am. (The coquihala was brutal and a (NOT US) truck flipped and shit went down) We stayed at my grandmas house even though she wasn't there, she was still up in my home town for Christmas. Anyways we got up the next morning and by around noon they came to the house. Keep in mind the older brother left for boarding school one year into my stay there and the girl was kind of mean in a passive aggressive way. These were the people I remembered. Anyways they came and the mom was super excited and so was the dad. I hugged the parents and kinda just awkwardly said hi to the kids. We sat in the living room as our parents talked but because of my anxiety and socially awkwardness I stayed quiet. Then we went out for lunch and that's when things began to lighten up. We began to talk and catch up. We laughed about random things and old inside jokes oh and the terrible coffee. We went back to the house and all talked this time. It was nice. By the time we went out for dinner, it was like we'd never left. By the end of dinner I probably had talked to the brother more in that one day then I had the two years we were neighbors. The next day we went skiing but my mom their mom and the girl stayed behind because they didn't like skiing/snowboarding. For most of the time I rode the chair with the boy and we talked. Just about everything and nothing. It felt really really nice. We mostly skied/snowboarded together because we were faster. Sometimes he'd wipe out in the funniest way possible and then I'd fall down laughing or vise versa. After skiing we went back to the house and had dinner and talked some more before they had to go. It was hard saying bye because they live in fricking Australia and God only knows when we'll see them again. This time I hugged the dad the mom the girl and the boy because even though it was only two days he kind of felt like my older brother. He said, "See you in 7 years, kid" and I said "Yeah hopefully before then". They left and yes FYI I did cry after they left. He's going to University next year so that's great and she'll be in grade eleven. It was the best two days that I've had in a long time and I wish that I had gotten their phone numbers so we could talk. I could really use someone to talk to right now. But in all it was the best two days I've ever spent with them and I miss them so much. At the moment the kids can't get back to boarding school because of a volcano that erupted last night. Yay:/ thanks for sticking it out with me and as always I love you all very much and stay beautiful-Ash