Stage 4 Fear Of Dying ✔ (Frerard)

//Chapter 4\\

"And I found some scars in places I have never shown to anyone."

Frank's POV:

Gerard had complimented me on my Misfits shirt as I hopped into his car. I returned the compliment on his Ramones shirt. It was kinda weird to see him in something so casual compared to his suit yesterday, but I wasn't complaining. It fit him in all the right ways, if you know what I mean.

I can without a doubt say that his house made a huge difference compared to my shitty little apartment. It was so...family worthy. It was the type of house that a bunch of people should be living in.

"So, who else lives here??"

"Huh??"

"Well it's a huge house, you can't possibly live here by yourself."

"Well you're not wrong. I live here with my Brother and my friend. But don't worry, they're nice guys I promise."

He led the way into his house where strong aromas instantly flooded my senses and my nose hovered in the air as I lingered after Gerard into the kitchen. I was met with two men. One was lanky with a quiff of brown hair, the sides shaven and an Anthrax shirt that look really old. The other guy had a dark afro and an Iron Maiden shirt. Both were busy about making food.

"Mikey, Ray, don't be ignorant, you know we're here." Gerard called to them.

They both turned around and smiled warmly at me. Gerard pointed to the lanky one.

"Frank, this is my Brother Mikey." He waved and I waved back.

"And that's my friend Ray."

"Best friend." He corrected as he, too, waved at me.

"So what's for dinner tonight??" Gerard asked.

"We have beef stew, if you have a problem, suck it up." Mikey laughed, obviously not meaning what he said.

Gerard snorted with an amused smile and turned to me.

"You okay with beef stew??"

"Uh...I'm...actually a vegetarian." I murmured quietly, not wanting to dampen the spirits of Mikey and Ray who obviously worked hard to make dinner.

They all turned to me, Mikey and Ray in disbelief that they'd just wasted all their time and effort.

"But, it's okay. I can just sit quietly while you guys eat."

"Not at all!! We'll...um, we'll fix something up for ya." Gerard insisted.

"You mean you will." Ray retorted, finishing up with the beef.

"Whatever." Gerard laughed.

I could feel the affection these three had for eachother, I was practically swimming in it. And it made me sad. Sad because, I didn't have what they did. Friendship. A bond. Love. I was lonely little me. I had a cat, but, it's not the same.

---

Later that evening we were happily eating together at a table. Me with an insanely good salad that Gerard had thrown together. And of course, we were all a little tipsy from the wine that Ray had so graciously offered. So I didn't have complete control of myself when I asked Gerard,

"Gerard, when I die, can you take care of my Cat??"

Mikey and Ray almost spat out their food while Gerard only looked at me with a somber expression.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to just blurt that out. But it's true, I'm gonna need someone to take care of him."

"Frank, I...I'm honoured you'd trust Fun Ghoul to me but...I'm kind of allergic to Cats."

"Oh."

"Mikey here, however, has been dying to own a pet for years now, I'm sure he'd love to take care of him."

I looked up at Mikey.

"Would you?? Please??"

"I-I, uh...o-of course. No problem."

"Thankyou."

I continued to eat my meal as I heard Gerard quietly whisper to them.

"I'll tell you later."

I didn't mind. Even if they thought differently of me for it, I wasn't gonna be around for much longer anyway.

---

It was almost ten by the time we'd all finished and Gerard insisted I spend the night. At first I'd worried about Fun Ghoul, but then I remembered he always uses the vents to get in and out of the building. And he could hunt well as I'd learned from the various rodents and birds brought back to me and hidden under my bedsheets. So I gratefully accepted his offer.

He showed me to the guest room where I'd be staying, handing me some of his clothes to sleep in. Grey sweats and a David Bowie shirt. He bid me a goodnight and left as I wandered into the bathroom to change.

*Trigger Warning - mentions of self harm. Please be careful and stay safe. You are loved.*

I took off my shirt and threw it to the ground, staring at myself in the mirror. I didn't deserve this. This hospitality. This kindness. I'd never show it to anyone so why should anyone show it to me?? I've done nothing but bother and burden Gerard and the others and I'm even selfish enough to take advantage of taking up one of their rooms.

My hand shot to my back pocket and I pulled out a small blade, stained with months of use. Who knows, maybe if I use it enough I'll catch an infection and die faster. I stretched out my left arm and slashed across it a few times. I didn't care about where they ended up, how deep or how many I made, just as long as I did something.

I watched the blood run down to my fingertips and drip into the sink. And I thought about how is ironic it was that I decided to damage my already dying self. But I guess it was a coping mechanism. I'm alive. For now.

For now.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

Oh fuck. I'm gonna die. I don't...I don't think I wanna die anymore.

I started to panic. And panicking wasn't good for me. It set off my cancer and caused my breathing to cut short and I began coughing up blood. I broke down into hysterical sobs, seeming to forget that I was in someone else's house. I half expected Fun Ghoul to come to my rescue but as the bathroom door suddenly opened. But then I realised that cats can't open doors and a voice suddenly broke into my thoughts.

"Fuck, Frank, what happened!?"

Gerard knelt beside me, instantly wrapping one of his pristine white towels around my butchered arm.

"Are you okay?? Frank??"

I could do nothing but cry. It wasn't fair. I didn't believe it was fair. I wasn't anyone important. But I hadn't done anything so wrong as to deserve this. What's more is I didn't understand why I suddenly felt this way. I'd always been distant and uncaring and now it's all changed. What the fuck changed me??

"Frank?? Can you look at me, please??"

Gerard.

I looked up to him through blurry eyes. He looked down at me with concern etched painfully onto his perfectly shaped face.

For a moment neither of us said anything as he cleaned up my arm and face. His deft, calloused fingers brushing across my cheeks and chest to wipe away the blood.

For a moment all that could be heard was the buzzing of the bathroom light above us, making the silence seem to stretch on into eternity.

But all of a sudden Gerard pulled me into a hug. And for a moment I felt safe.

And for a moment I felt loved.

And for a moment.

Just for a moment.

I felt alive.