My days were getting intense, I did a lot in a day and I also had free time, it was like a day of 48 hours.
On Monday, I had school at 7.30 the morning and I went home at 1.10 because I didn't have my first class at the conservatory so I had to go later. I walked to my house with Leonor, as always, I ate, took a nap of 30 minutes and got ready to go at 4.30. I had two exams one at 5.30 and the other at 7.30, I didn't study for them but it went kinda well and kinda bad, then we came home again at 9.30 pm and I slept.
On Tuesday, we only had three of the four classes at school and we went because we had an exam. Lucas and I went to have breakfast at 8.00 in a cafe in front of the main square, we spoke of everything and we went to walk until 9.50 when we went to school. We went to study for the contest until 10, then we stayed in the classroom. We had the exam at 12 and I went home at 1.10 with Leonor, again. I ate and went to cello class at 2.30, my classmate didn't go so I had a two-hour class and went home at 4.30. I played with my phone and helped mom until 7.30 when I studied cello a little more.
Always having something to do was the best way to escape depression. I had a lot of projects and people around me to feel better. Even though, you can't escape so easily.
After studying cello, I had to pick up my dad's random shit that he asked me to tidy. Inside the mountain of things, I found two scalpel blades that were on their aluminum foil kinda package. I asked my mom that was in the other room if I should put one on the shelf of the bathroom and she told me to do so. For a moment I thought about taking one for me, but I just took one and threw the other inside my dad's shit bag.
Once in the bathroom, I had to wash my hands because there was dirt everywhere. Instead of doing that, with the door closed, I saw the scalpel blade I had in my hand (yeah, it had the foil). I started to play with it, making it run through the top of my fingers. I just stared at my hand in the mirror, hypnotized by the game.
When I stopped playing, my heart started to run. My eyes went to the scalpel and I stared at it, my body knew what I was thinking but I just left the scalpel on the shelf. It wasn't the moment to do it. I was not sick enough.
I washed my hands and stared at it again for a few seconds while I dried my hands as if the blade was an old friend, one that knew my face well. I shook my head and made a little proud smile as I went out of the bathroom and turned the light off, letting my old friend in the dark.
I Will Never Do It Again, I Made A Promise, AA.
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Moving On
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