Moving On

Chapter 6: Fellings Are The Worst

Everything started a few months ago. I felt the "wrong" thing. But that "wrong" was right for the world, except for me and everyone around me. The whole summer break ate my mind thinking about that "problem", one more reason to be a classic troubled teenager.

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-That you are what?!- She yelled from the other side of the phone

-I am not sure, Okay? I am just confused, it felt like love- I pronounced worried

-God, Amy! That wasn't love, she's a girl and you are, you can't be in love- she said and I laughed

-I thought that you were supporting me, I want to kill myself now! Damn it!- I yelled starting to cry

-Your parents expect you to be with a boy the day of your wedding!- she said and I took a deep breath

-I know, but... I don't like girls totally, I like boys too, I'm confused...- I said still crying and she sighed

-You can't have both Amy- she said in a lower voice and I laughed

-I already know that stupid shit- I said angrily -And I need a supportive person for this so goodbye

-Wa...- I hung up cutting her off

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I hated myself for being different, I wanted to be like everyone else, just walk in the street and stop thinking so much, just go to a party and look for a boy, not a girl, not even both, just get out of the bed without regretting anything I've done, listen to that stupid music and don't even think about the chords they use or the vocals they make, just sit there and be NORMAL.

No handwriting in English, no friends from fandoms, no music in English, no cello, no guitar, no autodidact me, no gifted girl, no bisexual, no DIFFERENT.

That was all I wanted, to be like them.

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I sat in silence, for hours, thinking about what did I do wrong to deserve this. I decided t take a shower, I went to the bathroom, closed the door and showered. After I got out and dressed, I missed music, my best friend, music so I putted spotify in a low volume, that song started to play, one of my favourites, it made me feel included in the world, Girls/Girls/Boys. Brendon Urie's voice mixed with the silence of the dead street in Janury, my lonliness mixed with sadness and the house, empty. Just me, in my own thoughts.

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There was a girl at school, I thought I liked her, that one that smiled every time I saw her, just because she knows me from summer pool, we just talked about music a few times and she saw me playing the cello one day.

I didn't even talk to her at school yet, not more than an "Oh, we are at the same school so..." but when she came to the classroom and she smiled to me, her smile was beautiful. Everyone noticed that I saw her and that I knew her, then I shook my hand saying hi, that was all, I didn't talk to her. A few days before I went next to her to say hi and when she kissed my cheek (It's something normal here) she did it so happily that I got her happiness and I thought about that all day.

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I never had a boyfriend, maybe that's the reason. But... I kissed a boy and it felt good... I never kissed a girl, I've always had bad luck with love. I've never fallen in love, just kid's illusions, we've all had at least one. I've never had good female friends, I was always with boys. "Sit like a girl", my kindergarten teacher said always, "Why don't you tidy you hair?" my classmates asked, "Use less jeans and more skirts or are you a boy?" they said, "Use makeup, you'll never have a boyfriend with that face".

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I told Katy about it, she was so supportive between text lines that I could almost feel her touching my shoulder and telling me that it was okay. I wanted to cry so bad that the tears started to fall without wanting it, I didn't tell her that part. She said that it was okay, that she was my friend anyways, that it makes no difference if I am whatever I am, she doesn't care. That was the best text line that anyone could write to me in the moment when I needed it the most.

She was turning to my best friend, even with the distance between us, we were close to each other. Without even knowing it, I felt safe telling her my secrets, my feelings, showing her the real person under all those happy smiles that weren't real, she knew that half the things I showed the world or at least to my family and "friends" or classmates or whatever, wasn't the real me, it was just my reflection in the mirror of the society. She knew, every single thing about me.

I wrote a song that day, I was inspired by my problems, as always. Build with pieces of your own disaster, of all those things you want to destroy, to threw to the atmosphere, all those feelings that make you hate who you are, write a song, a chapter, draw, sing, play an instrument (Without breaking it, please) or simply run, run away, but go back and show them, whoever they are, that they can't beat you, because you are better than any of them. That is my advice.