Chapter 10: I'm Just Passing The Time

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Today I wanna talk about getting out, but not forgetting about how my worst fears are letting out, he said why putting you a dress on the same old loneliness, when breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die, now talking is just a waste of breathe and living is just a waste of dead and why putting on a dress on the same old loneliness and this is you and me, and me and you, until we've got nothing left.

Pete Wentz

I want to take a note and let clear something. I'm not perfect. I may pass every exam. I may know everything but, Don't you know that my time is running faster than yours? I've lived a lot. Sometimes I feel like it's time. It's time to go. To fly away. Not to another city, not to another country, I want to go to another stage. I said I wanted to live but what we want is not always what we get. I don't have everything, I'm not rich, I'm just a person but you can't take it

Stress will kill me before living. Am I living? Or am I just passing the time? I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting other's oxygen, I'm a waste of life. A waste of agony. 

Sometimes I just wonder how would it feel to die. I know It's creepy and crazy but I just wonder about that and about how everyone could react.

What if I just wrote a note, telling my secrets and showing them what I am? What would they say? There's only one way to find out. I'm not ready for that. If I really wanted to kill myself I'd have done it long ago, when my life had no sense at all.

I'm weak. I'm never gonna make it with heart and wrists intact, I'm the living failure. I can't do it without crying. I can't breathe, I'm being choked by almost everything. I can't tell anyone what I'm going through. I'm turning paranoid, I have the constant feeling of being listened. Maybe I am afraid of her, when she's the one that should be afraid of this paranoid failure.

Sometimes I just want to stop living, because I'm not living anyways. I'm just doing what I have to do and crying for things that I shouldn't cry for. At some point my body is begging me to stop, that point is now. I can't be all the day away from home but I can't stand being in there either. I can't be busy all the week but I can't be doing nothing. I can't have a lot of friends but I can't have any. Any? Yes, because I ruin every friendship. That's when the time started to say "Hey, It's over" that's when I just want to drown or jump over from a large building. That's when I want to end this, before it's too late.

I need help. Right now I need help, AA.

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