my name is aaron (ftm)

11

I told mom and dad I would be having a friend come over.
They went crazy.
"Oh, Arona, you're finally opening yourself up again!"
That sounds kind of gross.
"Good for you, Arona, it's about time you made some friends again."
Right. Because the only ones I ever made were complete trash and I just couldn't wait to make some new ones.
My sister, Sheryl, is over at a friend's sleepover so I know she won't be around to bother me and Screw. Also, mom and dad are gonna be here when he arrives, but they're going to leave shortly after to go meet up with some coworkers somewhere or something. It's perfect. But I'm still nervous.

The doorbell rings.
I open the door and I'm greeted with a familiar tooth gap grin.
"Screw." I greet him.
He finger-guns me. "Eyy, Aaronator."
I laugh. "Come in, Screwdriver."
I close the front door behind him and mentally brace myself as I hear mom and dad approach us.
I can see the look on mom's face change from happy to ecstatic when she sees Screw.
"Oh my goodness, Arona!" She exclaims. I cringe. "You said friend, I didn't know you meant boyfriend!"
Oh my god, mom, please stop.
Screw's smile looks a bit off. I can tell no one notices, but I do.
He shakes her hand.
"Hi." He says.
"Mom, Dad, this is Sc- Drew." I quickly correct myself. "This is Drew."
If mom thinks Screw is my boyfriend, then the last word I want to mention is "screw".
"Hi Drew, it's nice to meet you!" Mom says way too cheerfully, "Arona hasn't had a friend over in a while, so we're a bit excited. Especially not a boy! She hasn't had any boys over since that nice John fellow. I wonder how he's doing. How is he doing, Arona?"
I grit my teeth and pretend to smile.
"He got kicked in the nuts a few weeks back." I say.
I hear Screw snort under his breath.
Mom's smile falters a bit. "Oh... Well... I guess those things happen. Anyways! Mr. Bidden here and I have to run now, but you two have fun! Not too much fun, though, haha!"
Just let me cringe to death already.
Dad, who has thankfully been silent the whole time, smiles at us before departing with mom.
Once the door is closed, Screw and I stand in silence for a minute.
"Come on." I simply say.
I lead him to my room and use my foot to close the door behind us. My closet door is one of those that slides open to the side instead of opening like a door. I slide it open and gesture to it like it's a carriage and Screw is a princess.
"Welcome to my special place." I say.
He smiles before walking in and sitting down. I step in and slide the door closed. I sit down across from him and fumble around until I find a switch.
A few Christmas lights that I've duct taped to the ceiling flicker on and provide us with some light.
There are blankets and pillows covering the floor of the closet, making it comfortable to sit on.
"Cool place." Screw comments, looking around the dimly lit small space.
I shrug. "Yeah, I've spent a lot of time in here so I took the time to make it nice-ish. I still haven't gotten a mini fridge for it yet, though."
Screw laughs. I smile, but it fades away fast.
"I guess you heard what my parents call me..." I say quietly.
Screw stays silent and I avoid looking at him.
"Yeah." He finally replies.
I take a deep breath.
"I was born a girl." I tell him. "I'm stuck in a stupid girl body and that's all anyone ever sees and that's who I'm stuck as. They all see Arona, but I'm really Aaron."
I gesture around us. "A whole new meaning to the phrase 'in the closet'."
We share a short laugh before it dies down and it's silent for a second.
"I know." Screw says.
I look up at him.
"You know what?"
He shrugs. "I know you're Aaron. That's what I see. And also... I kind of already knew you were trans."
My jaw nearly drops.
"Wait, how-"
"Don't worry," He rushes to say, "It's not like I could tell or anything. As far as I'm concerned, you totally look and act like a guy. It's just... There were certain things that I knew and I was able to piece things together and figure it out. I don't think anyone else would've been able to. I'm just really observant most of the time."
All I manage to do is nod.
"Are you okay with it?" I ask nervously.
"Well, yeah. It doesn't make you a different person. You're still cool and fun to hang out with and talk to. You're still Aaron."
His words make me want to smile, but genuinely smiling feels so unnatural that I end up looking like I'm grimacing.
"Thanks. I just... Sometimes it gets really hard to deal with all the misgendering and getting called the wrong name and being picked on. And sometimes I just..."
I trail off before pulling up the left sleeve of my sweater, something I've never done with the presence of another person in the room.
Screw sees my forearm.
Covered in scars, both new and old, and the dried blood of the most recent ones. They reach almost all the way to my inner elbow. They disgust me. I worry if they disgust Screw.
"Oh man." He whispers.
I tug the sleeve back down and look away sheepishly.
"It just happens. I don't know when it started or why, but, it just happens."
I sigh heavily and he looks at me with concern.
It's not the entire story... There's still John. But I don't want to talk about John. Not today. Not now.
"Well, there you have it." I tell him, waving my arms out as far as I can in the cramped space. "The lame-ass life of Aaron Bidden."
He laughs a little. He looks distracted.
"I need to tell you something." He blurts out.
I'm a bit taken aback. "Oh. Go ahead."
He blushes and pulls his knees to his chest. It feels weird to see Screw being something other than his usually chill self.
He opens his mouth to speak multiple times, but closes it immediately afterwards each time. He pulls his knees closer to his chest and hugs them nervously.
"I-I'm gay." He stutters.
I've never heard Screw stutter before.
It's kind of cute.
Wait, did I just call him cute?
Wait, he's gay?
"Oh." I simply say.
"Yeah," He continues, "The thought of dating a girl or kissing a girl has always just disgusted me..."
I nod. "I get it. Well, I mean, kind of. I'm bi... Or pan. I'm not sure. My whole experience with guys has kind of gone downhill lately to be honest."
"Is this about John?" He asks.
"Yeah, he- Wait. How do you know about John?"
"I don't. I just heard your mom mention him."
Oh.
I consider telling him. Telling him everything.
"Did you date him?" Screw asks.
I nod slowly. "We dated in seventh grade. It got... Messy. Really messy. Really bad."
"What happened...?"
I take a deep breath.
"He was basically using me. It was horrible. And then he did some unspeakable and unforgivable things to me." I said.
"That's sucks..." Screw mutters.
He sounds like he wants to say more, but he stays silent.
"Do you know him?"
"John?"
"Yeah."
"John Crean?"
I nod. "That's the one."
Screw leans back and rests on his hands.
"I know him. Unfortunately."
"What happened?"
Screw sighs.
"I had a crush on him in sixth grade. When I was first just beginning to figure out that I liked guys over girls. He found out and, like you said, it got messy."
My eyes widen. Did John do the same thing to Screw that he did to me?
Is that possible?
"What did he do to you?" I ask, concern tainting my voice.
Screw scowls. "Not much. He just beat me up and then called me a lot of mean names for about a year. It's not much because that's what it feels like now, but back then it felt horrible."
I frown sympathetically.
So, he didn't have it as bad as I did. That's good. Better me than him.
But still...
"That sucks. Really." I say honestly.
Screw nods before meeting my eyes with a smile.
"It's okay now. I'm over it." He tells me. "Plus, you beat him up so that was awesome. Glad he's getting what he deserves."
We laugh, our laughter filling up the small enclosed space of the closet.
I find myself gazing into his eyes. It all seems so fun and friendly and it feels nice that he knows what I'm going through and I know what he's been through and I feel a nice little connection with him that wasn't there before. It's been a while since I was able to really feel this comfortable with someone I know I can actually call my friend. I like it.
"Thanks." He says, breaking the silence.
I furrow my eyebrows. "For what?"
He grins his tooth gap grin. "For telling me your story. I expected good things and that's exactly what I got."
I smile back. "Well I'd hate to disappoint my screwdriver."
He shoves me playfully. "Hey!"
I laugh and shove him back. "Well don't call me Aaronator, as cool as it might sound."
"So you admit you like that nickname?" He challenges.
"No, but I think you secretly like being called screwdriver." I challenge back.
"I most definitely do not." He defends.
We laugh some more and I can feel ourselves leaning closer to each other. At first, I barely notice, but then it becomes pretty obvious.
I notice the small space between us and the way we're locking eyes and I freak out.
This is Screw.
I can't do that. Not with Screw.
Anyone but Screw.
Actually, scratch that. Anyone but Screw and John.
I clear my throat loudly and back away.
"So, uh, do you want to do anything?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Nah, I just wanna chill in here. I like it. It's cozy."
I nod and we both lie down on my layers of pillows and blankets.
I replay in my head everything that happened since Screw showed up today and I wonder what he's thinking about.
My thoughts are wild, like traffic jam on a highway. Constant and they keep bumping into each other, overlapping and overwhelming me. My thoughts track back to what just happened. Could Screw... Like me? As in, have a crush on me? I mean, I know now that he likes guys so it could be a possibility. And I know that he sees me as a guy.  But... It's Screw. He doesn't even seem like the type to be into anyone, girls or boys.
Maybe I'm just reluctant because John was really my only experience with boys, ahem, "romantically". And we all know how that turned out.
Maybe it's because I only really see Screw as a friend. A really good friend. I haven't had a really good friend in a while and I probably just don't want to screw things up.
He's the only person who knows about my cuts.
And besides the school nurse, he's the only person who knows who and what I really am.
He's the only person who has called me Aaron for the entire time we've known each other.
Fuck.
I'm gonna have to try really hard not to ruin our friendship.

Screw nudges me with his leg and I turn to look at him.
"What?"
He runs a hand through his hair.
"What did you mean by... John did unspeakable and unforgivable things to you?" He asks. I can hear in his voice that he's either afraid to ask or afraid to know.
"I thought everyone in the school knew?" I joke.
Although, the big fight from the first day of school has died down a lot since then. No more whispers, no more glares. I doubt anyone even remembers it happens. Mr. G hasn't called me back into the office since then. John hasn't gotten in trouble and neither have I.
It's like the whole thing never happened.
It doesn't even bother me that much anymore. I'm slowly starting to forget about John and I don't even care that much about getting suspended and getting out of here anymore. I wonder what changed.
"Well, yeah, but..."
"Look," I say, cutting him off, "He pretended to like me and made me fall for him, and once he made sure I was completely head over heels for him, he broke my heart. Then, he tried to get me back, saying it was all a mistake blah blah blah. When I rejected him, he did everything in his power to try to force me to get back with him. He raped me and never left me alone after that. Until I beat him up. I guess he figured after that I wasn't going to just stand and do nothing anymore."
"He's an asshole." Screw states.
I nod in agreement.
"I'm still scared." I admit. "I know how he is and I'm scared that he's gonna do something bad to me. For revenge or whatever. Honestly, he's done enough."
"Well if he tries to do anything to you, I'm not gonna let him." Screw promises.
I turn and look at him. We stare at each other while lying on the floor in my closet.
I smile. "I wish I found you sooner."
He grins back. That signature tooth gap grin.
"Me too, Aaron."