my name is aaron (ftm)

15

Four am.
Wind in my face.
Panting as I stop my bike.
Climb up the play structure of Shark Park.
Sit on the edge of the platform.
Close my eyes and for a split second, I can feel Screw sitting next to me.
Open my eyes.
He's not here.
Of course he isn't.
With trembling hands I reach into my pocket.
No more wimpy staples.
I pull out a sharp blade.
A real blade.
I can imagine the way it'll slice perfectly across my skin, not ragged like the staple. One slice is all it'll take to make me bleed. A few more is all it'll take to kill me.
I hold it in my fingers and I take deep breaths.
The dark eternal nothingness that I've dreamt of for so long.
I can feel the sweet embrace of death surround me, just waiting.
Waiting.
Tears stain my cheeks as I pull up my sleeve, presenting myself with an arm that's covered in ugly and disgusting cuts. Time for a few more.
I sob, wishing Screw was here. Wishing I could see him one more time. Say good bye.
"I'm sorry." I choke out through sobs.
First slice.
It stings more than the staple, but the pain subsides faster.
I watch blood begin to seep out. I let more tears fall and I'm crying so hard that it's hard to breathe.
"I'm sorry." I repeat, a whisper this time.
The blade touches my skin again.
More blood.
More tears.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm just
So
Fucking
Sorry.

"Aaron!"
I don't even hear my name until someone is shaking me and all I can do is cry and say "I'm sorry" over and over again.
"Aaron! Why are you saying sorry? What are you-"
The person sees my arm.
"Shit, Aaron! You're bleeding, you're... Oh shit, shit, shit..."
I sob and through my teary eyes I can barely make out the person's face in the dark.
"S-Screw..."
"What happened?" He asks desperately, grabbing my hand and pulling it away from my arm. I let the blade fall out of my hand and he kicks it away.
"Aaron, Aaron, talk to me!" He says, shaking me.
I hug him. I bury my face into his shoulder and I cry and I cry and I hold onto him like he'll disappear if I don't.
"Please don't disappear." I plead.
He wraps his arms around me.
"I won't, I won't, I'm right here. I'm right here, Aaron."
We hold onto each other.
"What happened? What were you doing?" He asks quietly.
I squeeze my eyes shut and take shaky breaths.
"I tried... I tried to make it stop."
"Make what stop?"
"The pain... I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted it to end."
He grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eyes.
"Aaron..."
"I just want to die, Screw." I say, my voice breaking, "I don't belong in this world. No one wants me here."
"I want you here." He says, holding my face in his hands.
"Screw-"
"I want you here, Aaron. You have no idea how much I need you." He says, his voice becoming more of a whisper with every word.
I shake my head. "I'm nobody. I'm just some stupid person. I'm not-"
"Stop it." He demands.
I stare into his eyes and he stares into mine.
"There's no way you could be stupid. There's no way you could be nobody."
I furrow my eyebrows. "Why?"
He smiles softly. "Because if you were, then I wouldn't have fallen for you."
Oh.
Oh fuck.
"Screw-"
"Before you say anything, I need to tell you something."
I stare at him silently and wait for him to continue.
He sighs heavily.
"I'm leaving, Aaron."
...
"I'm moving away. My mom is making me. She doesn't want us to stay here anymore. I tried to tell her that I want to stay but I had begged her so many times in the past to leave. I hadn't met you then. But it's too late now."
"W-where are you going?" I manage to ask.
He looks down. "Somewhere in Europe."
I had never felt true heartbreak before. I had felt a harsh scratch from my so-called friends. I had felt a deep deep gash from John. And everytime someone called me a girl, it was like a tiny stab.
But this.
It felt like my heart was being ripped in two.
"I don't think she'll ever let me come back." Screw said.
His voice was barely even wavering.
How could he be so calm about this?
"You're leaving me... Forever." I say, almost unable to believe it.
"I'm sorry Aaron, I'm-"
"You're leaving me."
"Aaron-"
"I thought I lost you, but I just got you back and now..."
"Aaron, I-"
"You're leaving me..."
He grabs my face and forces me to look at him. I don't struggle but I whimper softly in disapproval at his actions.
"Aaron." He says sternly.
"What...?" I ask weakly, my face still in his grasp.
He loosens his grip so that he's more like caressing my face now.
"I wish I could stay. But I'm never gonna forget you." He promises.
"You can still stay and never forget me." I try.
He laughs weakly.
I just want to see that tooth gap grin one more time.
Just one more time...
He leans in and kisses me.
He smiles weakly at me.
"See ya, Aaronator."

And then he's gone.

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