my name is aaron (ftm)

13

I've run out of space on my arm for new cuts.
I would just cut over the old ones, rip them back open and forbid them to heal. But now, they're all new and I've covered my entire left forearm. I might need to start on my right arm now. Or maybe my legs. Or just everywhere.
I wish I could just cut away every single piece of disgusting skin on my body.
I wish I could cut my heart. It already feels like it's covered in scars. Scars from my old fake friends, scars from John, scars from Screw...
I miss Screw.
I haven't been able to hang out with him ever since that day I yelled at mom, and I still haven't seen him at school. Mom also took away my phone, so I can't even text him.
I miss his tooth gap grin.
I miss the way he called me "Aaronator".
I miss the way he would pretend to get offended when I called him "Screwdriver".
I miss just talking to him about nothing and everything at the same time.

I need to go to a special place. I don't go to mine because I know if I do, I'll just end up crying more. I glance at the clock. 3:50 am. I quietly make my way downstairs and grab my bike.

I hoist myself into the platform, alone this time, and face towards the west. The wind blows my hood off and I pull it back on before tightening it.
I watch the sunrise and it's just as breathtaking as when I saw it with Screw.
Long after the sun has already begun to take over the sky, I'm still at the park. I had secretly hoped that Screw would show up, but he didn't. I climb back down and bike back home before anyone has a chance to wake up.
His special place just isn't special without him.

Later at school, I lock myself in the bathroom again and cry silently as I try not to let the staple slip out of my shaking hands.

~

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