my name is aaron (ftm)

16

I bike home.
It is Saturday morning and already 9 am.
I enter the house and am immediately greeted by my parents.
A huge wave of "Arona, where were you?" and "Where did you go?" and "Why did you leave?" drowns me and I'm just too fragile right now and on the verge of breaking and there's blood staining the inside of my sweater and
I break down crying.
"Arona, what's-"
"I'm transgender." I sob. I can't stop it. It spills out of my mouth over and over again, "I'm transgender. I'm transgender. I'm transgender. I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I'm transgender. I'm a boy."
They stare at me as I continue to break down in tears until my words are nothing but incoherent mumbles mixed in with sobs.
"Arona, we don't-"
"My name is Aaron."
"W- we- I-" Mom stutters for a bit.
"My name is Aaron, and I'm a boy." I repeat.
"Aro- Honey. You're a girl." Mom says gently.
I shake my head and it hurts.
"I want to be a boy. I want people to look at me and see a boy. I want to use the boys bathroom. I want to be able to wear boy clothes and have short hair and a flat chest. I hate it when people call me a girl. I hate being forced into the box of a typical girl. I hate all these stupid girl things that are expected of me. I don't exactly love the box of a typical boy, but I prefer it over that of a girl. I want you to call me your son. I want Sheryl to call me her brother. I want to be called Aaron."
They are silent.
I am silent.
I half expect them to ignore everything I've just said and act like I never even uttered a word.
"Arona." My dad says firmly. I cringe. "You're confused."
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I'm not confused.
"He's right," Mom says, "You're just confused. I mean, I know you're just looking for attention with this whole 'depression' thing, but this seems a bit extreme doesn't it?"
"I'm not doing this for attention." I mutter.
"Is this because of Screw?" She asks.
The mention of Screw makes me freeze up.
Screw is gone.
I want to tell her, but she'll probably just be happy. Saying it out loud will be like admitting that it's true. That he really is gone. I'm not ready for that yet.
I shake my head and turn to leave.
I don't know what I was expecting.
"Arona-"
It's Aaron.
I am Aaron, and that is who I will always be. No matter what John says, or what mom says, or what dad says. Or what anyone says.
I drag myself up to my room and close the door. I sit on the edge of the bed and stare blankly at the wall.
For once, my thoughts are silent.
The once busy highway is now a lonely dirt road in the middle of nowhere.
I feel numb.
I've ran out of tears to cry. I've ran out of excuses to give. I've ran out of emotions to feel. I've felt them all.
Sadness.
Betrayal.
Pain.
Confusion.
Happiness.
Emptiness.
Longing.
Hope.
Heartbreak.
And now...
Nothing.
Numbness.
It's like my heart has stopped hurting and just ceased to function all together.
Then I realize.
The pain that I had been carrying around this whole time is gone.
I no longer carry it.
I am it.
I have become the pain.

I'm not even hurting enough anymore to want to cut or kill myself.
I trudge through the days at school once more.
It doesn't even feel like molasses anymore, since I've gotten so used to it.
I don't look for John. I don't look for Screw. I don't pretend to smile at people I know in the hallway anymore. I don't even pretend I didn't hear them. I just glare at everyone.
If people whisper, I don't hear. If they point, I don't see. If they bump into me, I don't feel.
It's like before, but ten times worse.

The last bell rings and I'm the last one on campus when I go behind to school to grab my bike.
Out of nowhere, someone shoves me against the hard cold wall.
Before I can do anything, he covers my mouth with his filthy hand.
"Didn't think you could hide for long, did you?"
John.
His friends walk up from behind him, elbowing each other and grinning.
"Arona, Arona, Arona." He tsks, "Thought she could play the tough guy. Or I guess... Girl."
He snickers and his buddies snicker too.
"My name is Aaron, you piece of shit. And I am a guy." I tell him.
He sighs sadly, like he's disappointed in me.
"Oh, Arona. You've really gone bad in the head, I bet that little faggot Screwdriver had something to do with it." He says nonchalantly.
Why do people keep using the words "fag" and "faggot"? Seriously, what is so appealing about it?
Also, why the hell does everyone seem to think that I'm trans because of Screw? Dumbasses...
"You're an asshole." I say angrily. "You should be flattered that anyone like Screw would ever even consider liking you." 
He laughs. "Oh please, I'm not that desperate. Although, to end up with you, I think I might have had to be."
I struggle against his grasp and he pins me to the wall. His friends get closer, ready to catch me if I try and bolt.
Fuck, I'm trapped.
My brain is overflowing with memories.
Pinned against the wall.
Nobody watching.
His disgusting smile and his hands all over me...
It's all too familiar.
"Arona, when are you going to get it into your head?" He asks, running a hand down my arm.
I try to kick him but I can't get a good shot with the position we're in.
"Get what into my head, you fucking idiot?" I spit.
I watch his expression turn into rage and he shoves me against the wall harder. He mouth is close to my neck. I don't dare move or breath.
"Listen here, you stubborn little cunt. You are a girl, and that's all you will ever be. And if I need to do something in order to get that into your head, then I won't hesitate to do it again."
Again?
Oh shit.
No...
"So, is it Arona? Or Aaron?" He says "Aaron" with an obvious tone of disgust.
Too bad for him.
"My name is Aaron." I state firmly and clearly. "My name is Aaron, and I am a boy, no matter what you say or how you threaten me. You can't change who I am, so try your hardest."
He grins like I've given him exactly what he wants.
"You've always had a way of demanding trouble, haven't you?" He sneers.
"Well, sit back, then... Aaron..." He and his friends surround me, leaving no possible escape.
"Cuz you're getting just what you ask for."

~

600 views!