Discovering Shadows (Completed)

Loneliness

I was never by myself for long at the orphanage. There were too many kids around to be left alone. Kids were always talking or singing or playing or fighting.

In this place, there's not any kids. No kids to laugh or sing. No kids to play with or (more likely) watch. It was quiet. I never saw so many grownups in one place before. There was always someone new coming in. Four people were always there; Fate, Asher, Kevin and Sophie. Sophie follows me. She does things for me. Like hands me my water even though it was right beside me. I think she would dress me when I wake up if I didn't jump when she came close. And she asks lots of questions but doesn't wait for the answers. She talks a lot. But she doesn't play. And she doesn't laugh or smile. I don't like when people watch me. I'm a secret. I'm supposed to hide. Now everyone sees me. I can't hide anywhere here. Whenever I move they see and ask what I need or where I'm going. No one asked me that before. No one cared.

Fate left this morning with Asher. They were really mad at me.

We began the morning and sat at the breakfast table. I was sitting in the chair watching them eat the brown goo in the blue bowls when they both stopped and looked at me. I froze waiting to see why, when I heard it.

A growling noise. I hurried to cover my tummy but it wouldn't stop. I looked up and saw pure anger on their faces. Asher has never looked that way before. I could feel the tears slide down my cheeks I tried to stop them too. I didn't want the basement but I know what happens when I make noise. Yelling and slamming and shaking.

Don't make a sound!

One sound out of you and you'll regret it.

Another freezing bath or maybe even a few more nights in the basement.

Want to be chained up again? Maybe a little whip'n?

I can still hear her evil laugh with her scary taunts. I don't even flinch when Asher gets up. The chair screeches across the floor, cabinets bang, footsteps stomp across the tiles. I don't look at him. I don't want to see her nice eyes turn into evil ones. I feel him coming back, he stops beside me but I don't move. I made a noise. I'm ready for my punishment. Except that he doesn't do anything but move my plate away and replace it. I glance up to see the new plate.

IT HAS TWO BREADS.

Shocked I look up at him and he just stands there. He looks... sad mad.

"Eat" he whispers before going back to his seat.

I wait... Asher sits back down and starts eating. Fate moves things around her plate. Neither are looking at me. Carefully and slowly I move my hand to the table. When they don't turn to look at me. I move quickly and one roll disappears. At first I sneak little bites but when they don't look up at all I devour the other half and move on to the next one. After that one is finished, I feel slippery.

My arms are tired and my head is droopy. My tummy fells stuffed like the fluffy teddy bear in my new room. Asher comes back over and lifts me. But I'm so slippery I don't mind. He cradles me and then walks from the table, down the big hall to their room. He lays me on their bed and covers me with a blanket that smells like Fate and I feel safe. My eyes close as he rubs my hair from my face. I don't know how long he sits there with me and rubs my head.

I dream of clouds in the blue sky. Of holding hands. Kids playing. Laughing.

I dream of family all around. Of many smiling faces. Warm hugs. Safety.

It's never cold or lonely here. Even when there's snow on the ground and my cheeks get rosy. It still feels warm. It still feels happy. Even when I walk through the garden with no one around I don't feel alone here. I feel the sunshine and warm ground. I smell pretty flowers. I just sit in the center looking at the clouds. It goes on forever.

Until it doesn't. Nothing changes or happens at all until it does. It's like one moment the light was on and then it was blocked out. Not gone just hidden. Like a forgotten dream. An unfulfilled wish.

The blue sky and bright sun dimmed. The flowers fell. The family was lost. I sat in the middle of the garden on a circle of stones because there's so many stone paths now going out into the dark garden that has now turned into a jungle. So, I wait. And hope. I wish. That I won't be left. Or forgotten.

I wait. For what? I seem to forget. The longer I sit and wait the harder it is to remember.

That's what I wake to. The feeling of being lost, forgotten and alone. Of seeing my dream, my wish, my hope but never able to hold on to it...

After all. I am different and no one will want me. I will always be alone. Disaster will follow me. Will always follow me.