The Man With Fifteen Questions

Do I have to tell her how I feel?

Years after I broke up with my ex-fiancée I realize I am in love with her.

At first I thought... maybe I’m just guilty for hurting her. But by the time I had other girlfriends and I find myself talking with some friends as soon as I broke up with my most recent girlfriend they could not help but asked what had happened? Then soon they come up with an idea that maybe I haven’t found the right girl yet. But I told them... I already found her. They asked who was the lucky girl and I said...

She's easy to please and she wasn't needy.

She seemed oblivious to the world.

She wouldn't even glance at people as they try to approach her because she’s a loner.

But she definitely knew which she likes and which are important.

She used to be my girlfriend or rather my ex-fiancée.

As soon as my friends heard those last words they were surprise and that lead to the very obvious conclusion that I am in love with my ex-fiancée.

After that I decided to face the inevitable. I can no longer come up with an excuse that I am not in love with her because every time I am with another girl, every time I tried forgetting what had happened to us in the past, in the end I’ll only think of her and thought how different she is from the women I’ve been dating. So I thought... it was unfair.

It’s unfair for me to keep pretending I’m falling for someone who’s obviously not the one I’m currently in love with. It’s unfair for me to be this sentimental while I don’t even know if what we had is still important to her.

So I left my job as a college professor. I asked my uncle, who just retired from the publishing company which she is now handling, to recommend me as the new art director. And soon, I thought of some plans on how I’ll apologize to her.

I got hired by her older brother. He didn’t know the real reason behind the break up so he was actually worried if I will feel awkward in case I met her younger sister. I told him that I was actually hoping to be dismissed as soon as I met her again. But my best friend supported me and I felt bad for not letting him know how horrible I was. But if ever he’ll know the truth I’ll accept all the things he’ll say or do to me. I just hope he won’t demand that I leave.

I was prepared for the most horrible scenarios but my first meeting with my ex-fiancée is not something I expected. I never thought that after all these years I still lack the ability to anticipate whatever it is she intends to do or say to me.

She spoke to me, professionally. And that did not change months after I had few attempts to woo her. Her message is clear. She only sees me as just one of her employee.

Until I found out she wrote a book—a memoir for her mother. It’s also about her childhood, about the instances I already knew, and about the memories she will soon forget because time keeps on changing her with or without her consent.

She wrote a book to state what her future will be. And it’s a future without me.

She wrote a book to claim that she has moved on. And it’s unacceptable for me.

Basically, we were now two strangers working in the same company.

But at this point I knew I shouldn’t give up easily. I have plans that may either work or could make things worse. But whatever happens I would not want to forget everything. So I write all of these though I won’t mention her name.

I know I can’t really tell her how I feel. I can only reach her through printed words. So everything I’m about to write is about the things I can no longer say to her.