The Man With Fifteen Questions

Why did I lie?

We talked about our past and present relationship like normal adults. And I didn't like it one bit. If there's one thing I'm sure of about her is that whenever she speaks calmly it means she already set her mind into something. And with the given situation it means she already decided to ask me to leave. Permanently.

Our conversation started with the question, "When did you realize you love me?"

And I said, "When I saw you looking like Miss Minchin. I tried to imagine what else could be underneath those business clothes."

She seemed disappointed as she said, "That's lust at first sight."

But my point is I was so shocked upon seeing her again that I couldn't even breathe properly. It's been years since I last saw her. And my intention for applying in their company was to simply talk to her. But everything changes. And I wanted to clarify what I said to her so I explained, "Not really, because I couldn't imagine anything else. I just stared at your face and realized I shouldn't have let you go after you broke up with me."

I knew she'll ask why I didn't just confess then if I knew I love her. And I said because I chose not to. I don't want to go to her place because I knew how she'll react after our breakup. I don't want to go to her for I thought whatever I'm feeling will passed. I don't want to go to her because it will only mean that she was the only one I really fell in love with. So I tried having a relationship with several women. I seriously tried to commit myself to someone. But it was hard. It was hard to convince myself when I knew the truth all along.

"How many girlfriends did you have?" she asked.

I said, "Three." And she thought I gave up that easily. She didn't even looked surprise when I told her that the first girlfriend I had after her was the exact opposite of her. I did it so I won't be with someone who'll remind me of her. Yet I kept on thinking about her.

So the next girlfriend I had reminded me of her and I thought it was fine since I confess everything about my previous relationships. But soon enough the second girlfriend I had after her gets tired of being just a replacement. I wasn't able to mention the third girlfriend I had for it was terrible enough to admit that I used someone to make me forget. After those failed attempts I stopped dating anyone.

When it was my turn to ask, my first question was about the first thing she did after our breakup. I guess I'm hoping for her to confirm that she was as devastated as me then. She didn't lie. She did admit that she was bitter and that she hated herself for putting me in a relationship I never wanted. But she learns to forgive herself which is why she attempts to date some men she finds interesting.

Jealousy hits hard. And I admit I have no sense of control these days whenever she's around. So I blurted a lie that wasn't really that easy to believe. I told her that the guys she has her eyes on wasn't really interested with her.

As soon as I said that I wanted to dig my own grave. I tried to apologize...

But she simply agrees.