On Our Own

Chapter 17

I woke up in the morning on the bottom bunk with a tear-soaked face and red puffy eyes. My heart ached when the pillow smelled like Ethan, a mix of hair gel and soap. I wanted to cry even more, but no tears would come out.

Last night felt like a blur. I remembered the phone call, not being able to breathe, Jess coming in, and that was it. I must have cried myself to sleep.

This wasn't real, I had to be dreaming. There was no way I lost Carter.

I immediately shot up from the bed. The letter, the message, it was time. I got up and looked around for it. I remembered it being on my dresser last. I started there but I couldn't find it.

I turned my room upside down trying to find the letter Carter had left me with. I searched through my closet, my desk, I had even pulled out the drawers from the dresser. I flipped them over and dumped out their contents but the letter was nowhere to be found.

My room now looked like a war zone. Clothes were everywhere, my dresser had fallen over because I had pulled all the drawers out, the contents of my closet were completely thrown out and flung all around my room.

I wanted to cry all over again. Where did the letter go?

Finally, I accepted defeat and I laid on the mattress that I had somehow shoved off the bottom bunk onto the floor.

There was a soft knock at the door.

"Leah can I come in?" Jess asked from the hallway.

I didn't answer, but Jess gently opened the door anyway and I continued to lay right where I was.

"Wow, uh, did you lose something?" Jess asked, taking in what I had done to my room.

Yes, my foster brother, I wanted to say. But I didn't have the strength for a good sarcasm line at the moment.

She proceeded to close the door behind her and then moved some clothes so she could sit down next to me.

"Leah?" she asked. "Talk to me, please."

"It's so unfair, Jess," I said, my voice faltering.

"How so?" she asked calmly, putting my head in her lap, already sensing my pain.

"Because if Carter felt like his life was worth living, then he'd still be here and the only way he would've felt that was if his stupid mom hadn't been such a horrible woman," I said angrily.

"I know, Leah," Jess said patiently.

"It's like that with me too," I continued on furiously. "I'm a loser, I won't amount to anything, and it's not like I even matter in the first place."

"That's not true, Leah," Jess said at once. "You do matter."

I scoffed. "I'm replaceable. Jess. Look me in the eyes and tell me that if I died right now, you wouldn't just give my room to another foster kid."

Jess looked hurt. "Leah, you are not dispensable," she said firmly. "Sure, someone else would sleep in your bed, but no one would ever replace the hole you would leave in my heart."

I stared up into her steely blue eyes. I was trying to see if she was telling the truth when I realized we both had tears in our eyes. I sat up and looked back at her.

"Jess, I need to tell you something," I said quietly.

"What is it?" she asked.

"The reason I'm so upset about Carter is because-" my voice broke.

Jess squeezed my hand reassuringly. I tried to take deep breaths.

"Do you remember last year, when I was really stressed about school? How I had a mental breakdown because of how hard everything was for me? How I was having some bad thoughts in my head?" I asked as a tear slipped down my cheek.