Life

Coming out

Coming out can be one of the hardest things you have to do in your life. So many thoughts go through your mind at once.

"What will they say?"

"What if they hate me?"

"Will they accept me?"

"I came out as this a while ago, but I found out Im actually this, what if they think Im making all this up for attention?"

Our minds will instantly go to what we think is the worst case senario. When really, a lot of the time, worst case senario is they won't accept you. But other times the worst case senario is getting beaten, getting kicked out of your house with no where to go. So straight cis gendered people, please understand why we can't "just come out." We dont know what could happen to us. It's a scary thing.

I recently came out as nonbinary to my group of friends. And while it wasn't exactly scary to do, my anxiety did kick in. They are religious, attend church regularly, read the bible, all of that. One of them has even expressed their hatred for the lgbtq+ community. And since they are really the only friends I have at the moment, I didn't want to lose them. Considering I lost so much already.

So I held it off. For months. I started to feel depressed about it. Nothing too serious, but just the thought that I couldn't come out because of how much I thought I had to lose really got to me.

I would lose my friends, dance, my chance at becoming drama team leader again. Id be alone. All because i dont see myself as a boy or a girl.

And I dwelled on that.  I wasnt going to let myself come out because I didnt want to lose what little I had left.

But it came to the point where I had to get it out. To somebody, anybody. Right then, an old friend from school texted me. Asked to see how I was and checked to see if all was well because Ive been posting some depressing stuff on facebook. I said I was okay. And instead of coming out, I chickened out. I didnt know how she felt about all that stuff. Finding out someone is bi is one thing, but finding out that person isnt a boy or girl is another. And people have more of a hatred for trans people than gay people. Why? Because they dont understand the mind of a trans person. Why? Because theyre not trans. They think if youre born a boy or a girl, then thats what you are. For all i knew, this was probably how she felt.

A couple days pass and another old from school texts me, asks the same thing. At that point I was getting worse. And I couldn't stand not telling anyone anymore, so I told him. He said he already knew. He was waiting for me to say something. He wanted to know why I never told anyone. Not just about being nonbinary but also the depression. That if they werent going to support me, why would you want them around. Ive been going through a lot with people that i thought were my friends, he thought id start ruling out people.

And he was right. Why keep people who would hate the real me around? Why havent i started to rule out those people? I need people to be there for me through this whole thing, not against me. I already have so much people against me as it is.

So i told them.

And i waited for a response.

And it went amazing. Even the person who hated the lgbtq+ community said she would support me. Call me by the correct pronouns. And at that moment, i realized that every bad thought ive had, was just that. A thought. Its not reality. The only way to know what will happen is if you do it.

I once again havent told my family. But im hoping to soon. At the right time.

But if you really think youre going to be in danger if you come out, please please please dont do it. Your saftey is more important than anything. You need to take care of you. It doesnt matter what anyone else says. If you cant come out and be safe, do not do it.

Everyone else, please respect people who choose to stay in the closet. They're doing it for a reason and it isnt youre choice on if they should or shouldnt. What they need you to do is be there for them. Thats all theyre asking for.

And for the people who thought they were one thing, but found out they were something else. If they think youre doing it for attention, its on them. You are growing as a person. We all are. Feelings and emotions change. If you were gay but find out youre bi, then youre bi. If youre a trans male but find out youre both genders or niether gender, then youre both or neither. We're all figuring ourselves out. Its not a race. This is a marathon. There's no rush. Take your time. Cross the finnish line when youre ready.

Me and many others will be cheering you on.

All the love guys. xx