Life

Decisions

I don't know about you, but I am the worst at making decisions. Whether it be the small ones, like picking a place to sleep at a sleep over or ordering at a restaurant, or really big ones, like choosing a career.

But today I have been given a week to make the biggest decision of my life... and I can't stop thinking about it. I guess that's the whole point. Think about it until you've come to a conclusion. But this is different. It shouldn't be this stressful... but it is. And I can't stop crying. Every part of me just wants to run away and start a new life somewhere else.

How can someone who has finally become to love who they are and get to quit hiding who they are to having to go back to all of that within minutes?

My dance team leader is one of my best friends and she knows about me being bi and nonbinary. She fully accepts me... but it's apparently against the policy to have a person a part of the LGBTQ+ community as part of the dance team.

Apparently one of the leaders of the church found out.

Now, I'm not going around posting about it anywhere that they can see.  just on here and on twitter. They don't know that I have these. They think I hate twitter and deleted my account and as for wattpad, I don't think they know it even exists.

Basically what I'm saying is that someone told them.

Someone who I trusted told the people that can take away everything. Dance, getting back into the drama team, trying out for the worship team, everything. They could even tell my parents.

They told her to talk to me and this is what was said:

Lydia: So Pastor Zeke asked me out of nowhere if anyone on the team was struggling with their sexuality. He's never asked me anything like this before. Not even when I started the dance team in youth. I think he knows about you.

Me: That doesn't make any sense. How could he? And is it just the sexuality or gender identity as well?

Lydia: Just sexuality

Me: So then it can't be me right? Because he would've said gender identity as well? Maybe it's someone else on the team.

Lydia: It's not. I already asked. Does anyone else besides the people in our group know?

Me: Veronica and Leslie know.

Lydia: Do you think they could've told?

Me: Leslie has no reason to. She wouldn't do that. Veronica, I'm not even sure. I don't even know who she is anymore. I guess she would have a reason to, which would also explain why I all of a sudden can't lead drama team anymore, but I don't know if she would do it. But someone did tell him about a friend who is bi. And only me, Leslie, and Veronica knew.

Lydia: So do you think one of them did it?

Me: I don't know honestly.

Lydia: Well I'm sorry Alex... but I've been asked to tell you this. If you can't stop being bi or nonbinary... I'm going to have to ask you to leave the team. I know it's your life style, so I completely understand if you don't want to do this anymore. So I'm going to give you a week to make your decision. I'll still be your friend. You aren't going to lose me. I just can't have you on the team.

She was in tears saying this, so I know this was actually something she didn't want to say. It really did hurt her to say it.

But how can I make a decision like this?

I can't just give up my sexuality and my gender identity. It's who I am.

But I can't just give up dance. That's also who I am... and the only thing I have left.

I have to give up a part of me so I can keep another part. And it's not fair. It hurts... a lot.

I can easily hide being bi, but being nonbinary is another thing. Being called the wrong name or pronouns really hurts and makes me feel really uncomfortable.

But if I can't dance or do something I love, I will go into a dark place and that can't happen.

Either way, I lose and I don't know what to do.