Life

Speaking Up Pt. 2

So its been a couple days since I last posted. On this same topic. This is more of an aftermath really.

I was really angry when I posted part one. But I've moved on from the angry phase into the regret and depressing phase.

I regret posting the last chapter. Will I take it down? No. People need to understand that speaking up against something doesn't always leave you with a good feeling. Sometimes you feel horrible. That's why I'm making a part two.

Can I just say that I was actually quite proud of myself for doing the right thing for the first two days? I thought "I am such a good person" "who wouldnt want me as a friend?" And so on. But i was angry when she didnt get it. "Why are you mad at me when you were the one being childish?" "Are you really gonna not be my friend over this? Who does that?"

But you know what my thoughts are now? "Why didnt i just ignore it?" "I shouldve just let her do it and maybe we'd be fine" "i just want to take these two weeks back"

No, that doesnt mean that I did the wrong thing. Like I said in part one, I did it in the wrong way, but my intentions were good. I do however want to take these two weeks back. Not to take back what I did, but to change how I did it.

I did a lot of reflecting today. And I've been an emotional mess.

It started when my mom yelled about our dog. I won't get too into it because it was stupid really. But i was thinking  "I'm moving out in a year. One more year left" only to realize that won't be happening anymore. Me and Veronica were planning to move out next year and that would be our motivation to keep going. "Just one more year" "i can handle this for just one more year. Everything will be fine." We were dead set on it. But since we aren't friends anymore. It won't happen. I probably won't be able to afford moving out for another two to three years at this rate, maybe even longer.

Then for some reason my ipod would play these really sad songs and my and Veronica's favorite songs. Songs we'd sing together in broadcasts and just in the car or hanging out.

I also took all our pictures down today. Reliving the memories hidden in each photo was the worst part.

The photos where we went to the Lavender Festival: I jumped to the other side of a small creek successfully. I remember how I was so proud of myself. It really was very small but with my clumsiness, trust me, its a huge accomplishment. Another one, I just saw a llama for the very first time. It's my favorite animal. That day we called our circle the llama gang. Every time we saw eachother since, we'd hold up our hands in the shapes of a llama and shout llama gang! And we'd put our llamas together as some kind of hand shake.

Pictures at youth conference: our whole circle was together that day. It didnt happen often and we just had to have a picture. Just before that I was saying how I missed my guy best friends hair poof. And the friend holding the camera was saying if she looked bad she would delete every single picture. And when we finally took it, I was eating a hot cheeto. And they complained because we needed to take a decent one and we finally got it, my hand still in a bag of hot cheetos. The next few are of me meeting my favorite christian rapper for the first time with Veronica and Leslie (not her real name). We had lost eachother and Veronica called me up saying he was there and I actually screammed in her ear on the phone and ran as quickly as I could. I was wearing my hoodie backwards so I could carry a hoodful of hot cheetos. He took a picture with just me first. Him with a bag of hot cheetos and me with my hoodful. Then all of us except Veronica put on a shirt he was selling and we took a picture.

Next one: we were in a rose garden right behind a museum we just left. We were talking a little about life and Veronica's mom's new boyfriend. Veronica caught me and Leslie off guard. It turned out pretty good. But we took another anyway.

Next few: it's all the same thing basically. Veronica randomly wanted to take a bunch of photos by the piano in the youth room. That year for christmas she gave me all of them. As well as some from the turkey bowl. Best present ive ever recieved. So much thought went into it.

Next one: my absolute favorite one: we were at the mall. We actually just got through shopping and we were waiting to get picked up by Leslie's sister. There was a store being built and me and Leslie wanted to see if our legs were long enough to stand on in between two pillars. They were. I was putting on a show while Leslie threw up rock signs and Veronica snapped the picture.

Last ones out of many more: we were at chuck e cheese for Veronica's sisters birthday. We had already gone through so many pictures at the photo booth because Leslie found it funny to ruin every single one. Finally we got a decent one. It showed all of our personalities. Leslie a phsyco, Veronica the smart and sweet one, and me the random one.

I only describe these to you so you can see the stories behind each seemingly staged picture. Each picture was captured randomly. It shows us. Who we are as friends. What we meant to eachother. And I can't help but want that back for us.

I even found an old card she wrote for me and that was it for me. I broke down and I cried.

Doing the right thing isnt easy. And it's never going to be. But that shouldnt stop you from doing it. You'll go through a lot of emotions. A lot. You'll hate yourself for a bit. But just remember these things will pass. Youll be happy again. Maybe the person will realise what you did and will come back. They'll forgive you. Just give it time