Life

Stress and other things?

I know. I'm not starting this thing of very good. You're probably asking "why are you starting this off so depressing?"

Because honestly that's what I feel.

I feel like I have so much on my plate right now. i recently got a job, i have to plays coming up, and i got asked to be one of the co-drama team leaders a week ago.

this whole month is full of practices and i cant make all of them. one of the plays is a month away and i havent been to any practices because of work and i feel like im letting everyone there down. i mean im sure they understand, but this is a huge play. it's going to be performed in theatres, churches, knotts berry farm, and possibly even disney land. i havent learned the songs or the dance moves or my lines. i made this committment, but i feel like im not following through with it if that makes any sense.

then i over hear that my boss is thinking of firing me. he hasnt talked to me about anything. he actually said he wants to work on me becoming one of the best drive through cashiers just yesterday. so i dont know if its true or if that person was just making it up, but its still freaking me out.

i also feel like all but one of the friendships i have with my best friends are failing. like we're all drifting apart and they're finding new best friends or boyfriends and just have better things to do with their life that doesn't involve me. and sometimes i feel like im nothing but a scapegoat to them. to be honest i put most of it on myself, its not fair to blame them for that. i care about them and i cant stand to see them get hurt or into trouble. but they also let me take the blame. like they could at least fight it, but they don't. it's like they kind of expect me to take the blame for everyhting.

one of them has changed a lot in the past year, and not in the good way. im not going to into too much about this person because my friends do read this, and i don't want to hurt this person in anyway because i still do care about them a lot. all i can say is that we hardly even get a long more and i feel like im failing them as a friend. even though everyone says its them and not me, i still feel like im the reason why they're acting this way toward me.

then there's the other two books im working on. im rewriting Reality and Knobody Knows because i feel like i can do a lot better than i did. Nobody Knows wasn't anywhere near finished, but i'm rewriting the chapters that are already posted. i'm honestly running out of ideas. i know what i want to happen, i just dont have any ideas on how to get there.

i honestly cant sleep. i feel so stressed. sometimes i cant even eat. and its not even the plays thats strssing me out all that much. that actually causes the least stress. 

one of my friends told me recently that she feels like my life was falling apart slowly. i dont want to say my life is falling apart, but at the same time it does feel like that at times. the only reason i don't want to say it's falling apart is because i met some really great people a month ago who have became like family to me since then. they've been there for me this past month that felt like complete hell. they always find a way to make sure there is a smile on my face and make me forget completely what i'm upset or sad about. they always make sure there is food in my stomach, and give great advice (since all but three are adults). but i feel like i annoy them sometimes. it's probably just me, but that's how i honestly feel.

i know this was a horrible start but i needed to get it out. maybe get some sleep for once.

i hope you guys have an amazing day. all the love. <3

first QOD:

what do you like to do when you're upset or sad?