Life

Do I Have Enough Love In My Life?

Some days I feel like I have enough love in my life, but most days I don't.

There's many days where me and the people I love fight. Mostly me and my mom. And it's usually my mom that feel like doesn't really love me.

I know she does, but it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. Just the things she says during a fight can be super hurtful. I pretend it doesn't hurt and that idc, but usually that makes her try to say even more hurtful things just to get to me and to get a reaction.

I don't say anything back. Just the usual "okay.... Okay.... That's fine, you can think that.... I really don't care.... they can think that too.... I dont worry about what people think about me."

But all of it is a lie. I worry way too much about what people think about me. I worry to the point where I cry when I'm alone because I think "they think I'm annoying" "they're only pretending to like me" "they're getting upset with me"

I have to excuse myself to the restroom a lot sometimes just so I can go cry. I can't let anyone see me cry. I think my boyfriend has only seen my cry once out of the nine months we've been together. And that's just cuz it was all too much and I couldn't hold it in.

Me and my mom had just gotten into another fight and was refusing to pick me up from work and eat at home and was threatening to kick me out and I didn't actually have anywhere to go. So my boyfriend picked me up. And I felt bad that he had to and I felt like he found me annoying. And it was a very stressful night at work. And I was quiet and he asked if I was okay (cuz I'm usually a pretty talkative person and always have annoying customer stories) and I just broke down and cried.

I didn't feel loved. I felt like he was only there because he felt bad and was trying to be nice. But he pulled over, turned off the car, pulled me on his lap, and just held me as I cried. That was the first time, in a very long time, that I actually felt loved.

He didn't need to say anything. I felt it. And sometimes I don't need words. Words can lie. But actions don't. And I needed an action that night. I didn't want someone to tell me it was gonna be okay. Or that my mom was gonna come around. Or that they loved me. I needed someone to show me they loved me. And that's what he did. And he was the first person to do it in years.

Of course we fight and have our problems, what couple doesn't. But we always tell eachother that it's us against the problem, not us against eachother. And we work through it.

He is what makes me feel loved.

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Sorry I haven't published anything in a while guys. My laptop broke and it's hard to work on the other books when all you have is your phone lol.

I don't think I'm going to remake/continue the sequel. I just don't really have enough to go on to continue it. Thank you guys for your patience if you've been waiting. I'm gonna try to at least continue writing on here when it's possible.

All the love,
Alex