Changing
I'm screaming inside the bathroom...alone,when i stared at this thing i bought at the pharmacy this morning.Pakiramdam ko may nagbago sa akin, like my body is weird. It feels strange. I have a hunch pero hindi ako sigurado kung tama ba ang hinala ko and here's the answer to my own question pero...hindi pa rin ako sigurado o baka mas tamang sabihin na hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakita ko.
It says its positive.I'm pregnant.
Suddenly the door opened and Anseld's face look worried.Akala ko mamayang ten pa ang uwi nya?
"What is happening?"
Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon nya o kung handa na ba sya sa ganitong responsibilidad.We're not even married yet but we're living together already and i'm fine with it.And baby is on the way...kaya hindi ko alam kung paano.We never talk about babies.May mga pagkakataon na nababanggit nya ang tungkol sa pagpapakasal na hindi ko naman sineryoso.
Without saying a word...i showed to him the pregnancy test kit and his eyes didn't leave that thing off,he didn't even blink.His face is blank kaya hindi ko mahuhulaan kung ano talaga ang pakiramdam nito sa pinakita ko.Disappointment?
Hinablot nito ang braso ko at niyakap ako ng mahigpit.He is quite.Except that my heart keep pounding so hard,at alam ko na nararamdaman nya yun.Nanatili kami ng ganun ng ilang segundo at gustuhin ko man na tanungin ito ay pinabayaan ko muna.I feel dizzy suddenly.Halo halo ang nararamdaman ko at nanaig ang pagkalito dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula sa emosyon na to.Its a surprise indeed.
Napangiwi ako ng maalala ang lahat - na sa simula pa lang,we never use any family planning method or whatever they called that thing.
He cupped my face when he lifted his head and that's when i see him in tears.Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat.I never see him crying o kahit yung emosyon na negatibo.I gasp when i assume that he don't want it? And that he's sad about it?
But he bend his head down and give my mouth a wet-kiss.
"I expected this..." it was almost a whisper,"and it's still a surprise." Humalakhak ito pagkatapos.He even made a small kisses all over my face even when his face is wet.Kung di ko ito kilala ay iisipin ko na nababaliw ito.
"You are okay with it?" I look at him suspiciously.
Muli ako nitong hinalikan sa labi saka iginiya palabas ng banyo at pinaupo sa kama.Kinuha nito ang pregnancy test at nanatiling nakatitig doon ng nakangiti.I sigh in relief seeing his reaction.Akala ko mahihirapan ako kung paano i-handle ang sitwasyon na ganito.
"So,you really expected this huh?"
Nakangisi ito."Yes.My wife is so hot that i can't resist...and we're not using anything of not you being pregnant by now.Tsaka nagdududa na ako ilang linggo na.You keep asking food out of nowhere na hindi mo naman talaga usually na kinakain,i also heard you complaining about your boobs?"
Tinaasan ko ito ng kilay ko.What about my boobs?
"That it feels strange? Na feeling mo mas lumaki o mabigat?"
Right.I felt that kind of feeling lately na hindi naman talaga nangyayari unless if i have my menstruation.
Huminga ako ng malalim."Well...i'm not ready for this but i will do my best, and i will be a responsible mother in the future."
Nanliit ang mga mata nito sa akin at tumayo sa harapan ko."One of the reason we should get married."
Kumunot ang noo ko."We can still be together just like us now,have kids,just like other couples...without getting married?"
Iritable akong tiningnan."You know why i get you pregnant? I want us to get married.Yun nalang yung kulang sa atin.Why against it?At lagi kang tumatanggi noon tuwing niyaya kita na inintindi ko but it's not about you or me anymore.We are going to have a child.It's not about it is suppose to be or because of responsibility...it is because i want myself to marry you.I want us to get married."
"What if one day you want to break it off? Hindi ba madali nalang ang paghihiwalay ng walang legal na papeles ang nag uugnay?"
"Why are you so sure that we're going to break up someday? It's not going to happen."
"Yun naman lagi ang sinasabi nyo sa umpisa pero kapag nagsawa na,madali nalang sabihin na maghiwalay." I even pouted after i said that.
"Huwag mong pangunahan yung sitwasyon.Nobody know what will happen later,and i don't want to regret something because i have the chance to do it but i didn't do it .I don't want to reminisce some things that i'm going to regret when i'm so old.Marriage is a long conversation,like they said.And it's true.Whatever situation we are going to face in the future,first let's talk about it,overcome the trial dahil wala namang madali sa buhay,as long we promise to stay faithful,honest and love each other...i think we can survive.Let's work hard on it."
Maang akong nakatingin sa kanya.Sa haba ng sinabi nya,naisip ko na sa ganitong pagkakataon napapatunayan ko na matured ito pagdating sa mga pagpili ng desisyon.While i'm a coward,i admitted that to myself a long time ago sa dahilan na ayokong masaktan at madismaya sa sarili ko dahil umasa ako.
Dagdag nito," people who's marriage is broken - may mga dahilan kung bakit.But why are we predicting our marriage just because of what happened around us? Marriage is also a job,kailangan mong pagtrabahuan,paghirapan,hanapan ng solusyon yung mga problema,pag usapan yung hindi pagkakaintindihan.Don't you think?"
Umirap ako.Oo na! Tama na sya! Nakakainis pag ganito yung topic kasi wala akong laban.Feeling ko nga hindi gumagana ang utak ko sa mga ganitong argumento.Madalas akong nangangapa.
"Fine...let's get married.But first,i'm hungry!" May magagawa ba ako kung ganito sya kakulit?
He smiled."Okay...anong gusto mo?"
Hindi ko alam kung pang ilang beses ko ng ginawa ang pagtataray sa kanya habang kalmado at maingat akong binabantayan na kumakain. Ilang beses ko din sinabi sa kanya na pwede na syang bumalik sa trabaho nya pero hindi ito natinag. Mukhang simple lang ang gusto ng anak ko na kainin ngayong gabi? I asked to make a bacon sandwich with avocado on it.Gumawa rin sya ng salad para sa akin.
"I'm going to get fat..."
"You will gain weight,that's for sure because you have to rest well and eat well. I don't want you to stress yourself.I will ask my sister in law about her doctor for you. Tomorrow. Um-absent ka muna sa work mo. But i really suggest na mag resign ka sa trabaho mo para hindi ka ma-stress."
"I don't want to quit my job. Kung kaya ko naman,bakit hindi? Depende siguro sa sitwasyon,o suggestion ng doktor kung sakali? Sana lang hindi lalapit sa akin ang morning sickness?"
Tumango tango ito.He called his sister in law and ask her as many question he have in mind while i continue eating my food.Hindi ako makapaniwala na kaya ko na kumain ng higit pa sa kinakain ko araw araw.
And the doctor confirmed that i'm eight weeks pregnant. So that's why it feels so strange about my body,like something is changing.Anseld is more attentive to my doctor than i am. And i feel sleepy suddenly.Pinipigilan ko na hindi pipikit ang mga mata ko pero walang nangyari.Anseld wake me up when he is done.The pregnancy-effect started already?
MyNotes:
Ending is coming.Thank you everyone!
