Brave (Sequel to Beside You)

Chapter Forty One

We had been in Australia for a little over a week now. I hadn't been doing great. Theo couldn't find me any work and I was spending my days sitting round moping. Ashton hadn't been in touch since I left England. It was probably for the best. I had heard that after London they were going to have a break for a week or two, then apparently they are touring Australia next month. I think, if I'm still here, that might be the point I visit Doug back in London. I miss Dougie when I'm out here, but I'm trying to make up for lost time with Theo. He's been amazing, well they both have.

Today marked a year since my world fell apart. I try not to think about what it would be like if she was here now. It made me sad to think about what i'd lost. I woke up this morning wondering whether Ashton would remember. Whether he would just act like it was another normal day. I hope he remembers. She deserves to be remembered.

I'm on my way to her grave with Theo. I'm ashamed to say it's the first time I've been since the funeral. I just couldn't face going, it hurt too much. It took a lot of persuasion for Theo to get me to come today even though it was my idea.

As soon as we got to the gates of the graveyard, I had to stop. I was losing all control of my breathing and was beginning to panic. I'm not sure really why I was panicking. I know I needed to do this for both of us, but it broke me every time I thought about what happened.

'Come on, you can do this. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for her. I know it hurts Aria, but doing this is one step closer to getting better.' Theo encouraged. I nodded as I began to try and get my breathing back to normal. He linked his arm with mine and we walked through the gate. The tears were already beginning to fall. As we walked past the few graves, to get to hers I kept my head down. Finally we came to a stop and hesitantly I lifted my head.

I was surprised to see that it had been kept tidy. I guess Ashton's family had been looking after it. I knelt down in front of it as Theo watched from the side lines, before handing me some flowers we brought before we came. I took a deep breath and slowly knelt down. I placed the flowers next to the one's already there and I stared and her name on the headstone. I put my hand out slowly and touched it.

'Talk to her Aria.' Theo encouraged. The tears start cascading down my cheeks remembering when Ashton said those exact words to me. I clear me throat and take a breath as I think of all the words I want to say to her.

'Hello, baby girl.' I whispered, smiling through my tears a little at the thought that she might be able to hear me.

'I'm so sorry; I haven't been to see you. I feel horrible; it just hurt too much to think about what happened. You have always stayed in my mind. I love you more than anything, and so does your daddy. You are so loved and I miss you every single day.' I sniff.

I stay silent for a few minutes, until Theo's pager suddenly goes off.

'I'm sorry Aria, I'm going to have to go. Will you be okay on your own?' he asks concerned.

'Yeah, I'm just going to stay here for a bit.' I reply weakly. He leans down and kisses the top of my head.

'Don't be too long, it looks like it's going to rain.' He instructs. I stay silent, as he walks away.

I sit in front of her headstone almost in a daze. Tears continued to fall down my face, as I just continue to stare at the name on the tombstone. There were a few people in the graveyard laying flowers for their loved ones. There was a slight rumble in the clouds, but it didn't bother me. I didn't even flinch, I just continued to sit and stare. The sky got darker as the storm kept growing, and finally a few spots of rain began to fall. I heard the squeal from the graveyard gate signalling that the people were leaving. I finally decided enough was enough. I pulled some pills I found in Theo's bathroom out of my pocket.

'I can't do it anymore baby girl. I've lost so much, I can't do it anymore. I want to be with you.' I cried as I opened the pot of pills. I heard a noise behind me, but I didn't think anything of it because of the rain. I let out a loud sob.

'I've got to do this baby girl. I need to be with you. Your daddy doesn't love me anymore baby. I can't do this anymore. I need to be with you.' I continued to cry. I lift the bottle to my mouth.

'Aria?' I heard someone whisper behind me, causing me to drop the bottle in fright. I turned to see who it was. I couldn't believe my eyes. He looked completely worn out. He had tears streaming down his face and wore a look of horror.

'Ashton?' I croaked. He moved slowly closer to me.

'Please don't do this. I can't lose you too.' He sobbed. I started shaking my head.

'Please don't do this. I need you here, with me. Of course I still love you I just needed my time to grieve. Being away from you it helped a little, but not a lot. I need you in my life Aria. Please don't do this.' Ashton cries through the thunder and the rain.

'How long have you been here.' I asked shivering, only just realising how cold I was due to the rain and the wind.

'Long enough.' he replied, closing most of the distance between us.

'What are you doing here?' I sob, as a flicker of lightning flashes across the sky.

'I came for you. I need you Aria. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realise that I can't live without you. I shouldn't have left, and I will never forgive myself for doing so.'

Both of us were rocking wrapped in each other's arms, crying in the pouring rain.

'I don't want to be here anymore. It hurts too much. I can't live on knowing that you hate me, and I can't live without...' I trailed off in sobs.

'You can say her name Aria, it's okay.' he says tearfully. I shake my head in response.

'Yes you can Aria. What's her name?' he encourages.

'I can't.' I whisper.

'What's her name Aria?' He repeats. I felt like I couldn't breathe and suddenly it was like my legs has disappeared. I fell and Ashton came with me.

'Isla!' I cried, more tears falling.

'Her name is Isla Marie Irwin. She was born 23rd February 2016, weighing four pounds, one ounce. Her mummy and daddy miss and love her so very much.' I kept repeating this over and over again, almost as if I was in a trance. Tears still falling down my face. I was only knocked out of it when Ashton pulled away from me to look me in the eye. Apparently he had been speaking and I hadn't heard.

'I was selfish, I'm sorry. You lost her too. I love you Ashton, I can't live without you.' I trembled.

'You don't have to. Please don't try anything like that again.' Ashton begged. The storm began to die down a little and the sky got a little light. The rain however still fell.

'I just can't live without you. I can't do this on my own. I wish things were different. I want my baby girl. I want to be able to hold her and give her cuddles when I want to, and I can't. I can't do that because she's not here. I wanted so much to be a mother.' I cry.

'Aria, just because she isn't physically here, doesn't mean you aren't a mother. You are still her mother whether she is here or not, just like I am still her father. I want all those things too. I wish I was being kept up all night because she can't settle, rather than being kept up all night sobbing into my pillow because she is not here. We have to think how lucky we are. We got to have a cuddle before we had to give her away. I will always, always treasure that moment, because that is the only moment we have. We're going to get through this. You and me together, if you will have me back?' he finishes nervously.

I nodded in reply and he kissed me. It was a feeling I hadn't felt for exactly a year. It was a feeling that I had missed. It was only then I realised just how much I had missed Ashton. I finally felt safe again in his presence. He released me from his grip and stood up leaving me on the floor. Then he bent down and picked me up, carrying me out of the graveyard and back to Theo's house not too far away.