Who Am I To Say

Chapter Thirty-Nine - When You Die Young

Dear Ebony,

So. I guess you found out. Sorry, you had to find out this way, but it was the best option I had. I kept a lot of secrets from you. Yeah yeah, I'm a horrible person. I know, but now that I'm gone I can say everything I didn't when I was alive. You can hate me now but there's a lot I need to tell you, so if you don't mind please keep reading. 

Sierra probably told you about why I was stuck in the hospital. I was diagnosed with cancer a year after my parents died. At that point I had just turned 6, I think. It was hard on me and my Aunt since I was just so sick, but somehow she managed everything. But to pay for my medical bills she had to work five times harder. She got a second job and my older brother went into the foster care system so there was more money for my treatment. 

After a while, there was hope that I would recover and return to a normal life, my brother could come back and live with us, it didn't workout though. I moved here for treatment because I had taken a turn for the worse. I was lucky I got to spend my last year here and I'm grateful I did. I always knew I would die early, but when you die young you just have to wonder why you aren't getting the chance to feel alive.

I should start from the beginning. Before I moved here, I already knew a lot about you. So when I heard I was coming here for treatment I was excited cause it meant I would get to meet you. Okay, that sounded weird. Maybe I should stop myself there before I mess things up even more.

 If I'm going to tell you the truth about all of this I should tell you more about my brother. He was five years older than me. I guess you could say he never really fit in. He was just so different, but he was super cool too. I'm not being honest about this. It's just hard to, I don't know explain it in a way that makes sense. Plus I used pen and I don't want to start all over again. And I don't have any white out. The struggle is real.

Fine, let's try this again. My name is Erin Walters. I was 16 when I died. My parents were killed in an accident when I was five and my brother was ten. That's when my Aunt Julie took in me and my big bro. When I was six I was diagnosed with cancer, which is also the cause of my early death. During that same year, my brother went into foster care to provide some financial relief for my aunt. Two years later my brother died in an accident. The culprits were a group of teenage boys who had been harassing him for an expanse period of time. There was only one witness to the incident. My brother's name was Viran Walters.

Yep. It may be hard to believe but Viran was my big bro. So what if we didn't look like brothers, we were. Although we were separated we kept in touch. We wrote letters and told each other everything. He told me all about this girl, the same age as me, who was just perfect in every single way. A girl who was insanely misunderstood. A girl with long black hair and wild eyes that saw the beauty in everything. A girl that just understood everything and didn't mind if people thought she was strange because she was thankful for the people that saw the real her. He said that I would fall in love with you the moment I met you. He was right about that.

I got so jealous. Viran got to go to school. He got to do whatever he wanted. He got to be friends with such an amazing person. Still, it wasn't fair at all. He died too soon. Viran deserved a full life. Maybe misfortune runs in our family.

I never really thought about what I wanted to do with my life because I knew I would die before I got to it. Now that I'm telling you about my life, I think it makes me realize just how meaningless my existence was. And looking back at this letter, I didn't hesitate to use past tense. I get it.

All my life I told myself, you know what, I should stay away from people. I was going to die, well now I guess I am dead, but I didn't want to make connections with anyone. That way it would be really easy for me to leave. Things change when you're in love. I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to know more about the fabled girl my brother cared so deeply for. In a way I wanted to be like my brother, living the life he had, pretending I would live to... I don't know one hundred. And I liked it. I did. It felt good thinking I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted without caring about how many days I had left.

This will be the thing I leave behind for the only person  I care about. With everything I had in me, I'm going to leave it all here on this paper, that way I don't have to take anything with me when it's time to go. If I could grow old and graduate from school, I think I'd want to be a doctor. I could find a way to save myself and everyone else like me.

I used to dream about how good life would be as an adult. Being able to do anything. I could do anything and wouldn't have to worry about taking my medication.

I wish I could be reborn into a body without cancer. That way I would be free from this illness completely. I could love anyone and they could love me back without worrying if I'd survive until the next day. I could get married, get a house, have a few kids. Make money from my crazy cool profession. Have enough to make my wife and kids happy. I could celebrate my 99th birthday with my whole family. I would grow old and go peacefully in my sleep. I can see it but I can't have it. Especially not now. Is it selfish to ask for something like that? Is it horrible of me to hate the life I have and wish I got a different one?

I saw myself waiting and watching a beautiful bride dressed in lace walk down the aisle. I saw someone who didn't care how selfish I  was because she understood how I felt. I saw you. I know it's unfair of me to say that now. Still, I loved from the moment you screamed I'm sorry in the hallway. You loved me back and you weren't afraid to tell me. Thanks for caring about me.

I've used five pages so far and by the time I've finished I'll have to figure out how to wedge twenty sheets of paper into an envelope. Actually, maybe I should get one of those beige envelope things. But that's not classy at all. I need to go out in style. I'll figure something out, somehow.

I guess since this is my last chance to say something important. I mean I would but I don't have anything left to say. I told you everything. Well, that's not true I have I ton of stuff I could say, just stuff. Random meaningless stuff. Well, it is my last letter so I better make it count.

To be honest, if I could go back in time, I would ignore you. I would get you involved in all my problems. Because  I'm a selfish jerk, I decided to get to know you and fall in love. If I could I would spare you from all the pain I caused you. Still, I hope that you at least enjoyed our time together just a little. In a way, I'm glad I fell for you because you made me the happiest I had ever been. I may have imagined it but I think you loved me back. So I hope you are glad we fell in love too despite all the pain. 

If you truly did love me, please carry me in your heart. That way I can live forever.

-Erin Walters

P. S I love you

P. S. S did you know P. S stands for post script

P. S. S. S I googled that because I didn't know what it meant before

P. S. S. S. S that was a lie. I just wanted to impress you one last time

P. S. S. S. S. S I don't want to leave but I just realized it's too late to stay, I guess this really is goodbye. I love you, Ebony.