BOOK

chap.14

(sorry I'm ranting)I didn't really know where to start this  confession but I thought maybe since I'm keeping it a secret I can tell my readers. I've been through so much between my depression and eating disorder. It's sad when my cousin's say I should loose a few pounds. I had so much confidence for it to just be destroyed. I never really knew why I stopped talking to my friends and why I push them all away. I still to this day don't understand why I am the way I am. I have severe anxiety to the point where someone new talks to me I start shaking and my mind just has so many thoughts on what I should say or how to act and if I should even talk. I don't know why I cry to myself at night because someone close to me damaged me in a way I thought would never happen. I start to think on why my mom left me and why my dad has given up on me. Is it because I'm not enough? Maybe. Is it because I'm not perfect? Definitely. How could I forget my first love when he continues to break my heart over and over again? I'm still not over him. Why did one man change my whole world. He caused me so much pain over one text. He said to "send pics of yourself" little did I know he would threaten me too so I did send them. I cried myself to sleep that night wishing I could die. Next thing I know I wake up with millions of texts saying how my body is ugly. He destroyed me. To this day I get those little requests saying why don't we go back to when I did this or that. Why did my best friend leave me for drugs? He said it helped. With? I still to this day don't know. I humiliated myself when I had that weird conversation thinking it was HIM. The guy who destroyed me. Why did my sister leave me for another family? I'm not good enough. I wish to see my mom and ask her why she left. My dad hates her he says she was a crazy druggy yet he acts wild too. Am I okay? No I'm not and for once in my life I'll say that I'm not okay instead of the usual broken I'm fine. Committing suicide? Is an option. Would anyone miss me? No. My bullies still terrify me to death. I was only 4'8 in fourth grade yet they didn't care because back then I was skinny and liked by everyone but them. To them I'm a nobody. Yet when they needed someone I was there for them. Now I'm 5'2 and struggling with a eating disorder, anxiety, and depression. I'm not the same girl I was before who had the biggest smile and would play dress up with my sister and cousin's. Nope now I'm a scared teen who will never amount to anything. That's all I'll ever be.