After You

Jacob

Alfie,

Apparently, the counsellor woman doesn't think my last letter would have been very therapeutic to write.

I could've told her that. You don't need a degree in counselling to see that telling your dead twin brother that you hate him isn't very "therapeutic". I tried telling her that wasn't my aim, but apparently I'm the one who's missing the point. I tried to withdraw from the counselling sessions, but apparently our parents have "suspended my right to withdraw". We're almost eighteen, so I'm fairly sure they aren't allowed to do that, but I'm stuck for now.

So, here we go. Some kind of therapeutic letter. The counsellor told me to think about what I would say to you, to make myself feel better. I told her that when I think of you, I struggle to get very far beyond "I hate you". Then she gave me The Look, the one that says "I know you don't mean that". I suppose she's right. I don't hate you.

I hate what you've done to us. I hate what you've done to our family. Mum and Dad are in bits. The arguing has started already. I wondered when it would. For the first few weeks we were solid as a rock; this unbreakable family unit. Your death made us pull together and realise how much we needed each other. Once I was back at school and the distraction of planning the funeral was gone, it all started to fall apart.

I did some research. Did you know the divorce rate shoots up after the death of a child? I don't know if that's true, I read it on the internet somewhere. Still, I can imagine it happening with Mum and Dad. So congratulations, bro. Not only have you made everyone sad, you've potentially ruined our parents' marriage too. It's like your parting gift from beyond the grave, just to make sure none of us can ever really be happy without you.

Oh, and did you know that the surviving twin of a suicide is more likely to go on to commit suicide themselves? So yeah, thanks for that. Is there anything else you'd like to totally screw up while you're at it? Oh, I can barely concentrate in class. Are my grades the next thing to go? Are you dragging me down with you, one little thing at a time?

Is this therapeutic enough for you?

Jacob