After You

Max

Dear Alfie,

This is one of those times where I could really do with your advice.

Jess has sent me a message. We haven't spoken a lot recently; just a few texts here and there to check in on each other. She hasn't messaged me since it all kicked off with Jacob, so I'm assuming she took his side. However, she's messaged me tonight, to ask if I'll go to her house. That's where I need your advice – I really don't want to go.

Actually, I don't need your advice. I know exactly what your advice would be. You'd say "stop being so selfish, your friend needs you". You'd be there in a flash if you were alive. You put us all to shame like that. It wouldn't matter to you that it's just after midnight on a Sunday, and you're already in your pyjamas and watching Netflix. You'd be out of the door before you'd even finished reading the text, and you'd do the same for any of us.

When people wrote you off as the weird, wannabe-hipster kid, they missed that you were also one of the nicest people I've ever met. You'd do anything for anybody, as long as they'd let you quote some obscure literature and take them out for weird coffee. I wish I was like that.

I'm not. I'm selfish, which is why I haven't replied to the message from Jess. I know it's rude of me not to even acknowledge the text, but my conscience won't let me send something casual like "sorry, I'm busy tonight, maybe another time". If I reply to the text, I'll feel obliged to go over. Truth be told, I'm a little nervous.

Her house is right opposite your house, which is where Jacob still lives. I mean, obviously. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, like you didn't live there your entire life. If I'm right, and she took Jacob's side in the argument over the letter, what if this is some kind of ploy? Jacob can't attack me in broad daylight at school, because Mr Birchell is watching him like a hawk and he'll be permanently excluded if he so much as glares at me. Is this his way of getting to me, if he's still angry?

I hate to think that Jacob would be using Jess as some kind of honeypot, and I know you'd be fuming with me if you knew I was scared. Even though they may not consider me a friend any more, I've known and trusted them for two years, and yet I'm suspecting them of luring me in to beat me up.

It isn't just that. I have revision to do. I didn't do too well in my mocks, and I missed a lot in class when I was off, so I need to catch up. The last few months seem to have been delivered straight from hell, but I need to do well in my exams. I need to focus and get into university and get out of this town. I love Steergate – it's the first place we've moved to that I've felt truly welcome, thanks to you and the others – but it's too oppressive now. Memories of you haunt me everywhere I go. I want to remember you, Alfie, but not like this. Thanks to the inquest, every time I pass your house I now look up into your bedroom and imagine you in there, slowly dying, alone and in excruciating pain. I can't do it.

Willow has just sent me a text. She wants us all to do a picnic tomorrow. She must be with Jess; it sounds like they're trying to get us all back together again. Willow seems to be on my side – as far as there are "sides" in this debacle – so I can't imagine that she'd be luring me in to get beaten up. A picnic tomorrow sounds good; like old times.

If there's someone with Jess tonight, I don't feel quite so guilty for not replying.

I still feel guilty, though. For so many things.

Max