After You

Jess

Alfie,

I think I'm dying.

Sorry. That was insensitive, lol.

Ew, why am I writing "lol" in a letter? Jesus, I really think I'm dying.

Have you ever felt like you're dying and yet at the same time you feel like you could fly? Like right now I feel like I could jump off a building (I won't don't worry except you won't worry because you're dead) and it wouldn't hurt and I probably wouldn't even hit the floor I'd do some weird levitatey shit right before hitting the ground like a Harry Potter spell or I'd zoom up like a superhero and just be like BOOM bitches get out of the way Jess is here and she can't die!

My head hurts. I drank too much last night. Every night. All the nights. Lol.

Remember when you told me that if I ever did drugs you'd kill me? Well guess what, I did drugs and you can't kill me because, oh yeah, you're dead! And even if you did try and kill me I'd become a ninja or something and escape or maybe I'd kill you first. I don't think I can die. My body feels like it's gone through a mincer but I'm not dead, look, look how fucking alive I am! Oh yeah you can't look, you're dead, shit, sorry, well I'm really alive and it's good because it's good to be alive except for when it isn't.

If you did drugs your parents would kill you, wouldn't they? Your dad would be angry and he'd want to find out who gave them to you and corrupted his dear son. Your mum would cry and get angry at you for risking your future and then she'd hug you and maybe make you an appointment with a drugs counsellor.

Mum and Dad are out. Again. Always. Always out, never in. Maybe they're crying over you again. Who gives a shit? I don't. I'm not going to cry over you. You're stupid, you died. Dying is such a stupid thing to do. If you jumped off a building, you'd hit the floor and die. Not me. I'm alive. I'm invincible, I could take on anything in the world. I can drink as much as I want and do as many drugs as I want and I WILL because it makes me real and colourful and bright instead of sitting there and feeling like there's nothing there any more, like when I look in the mirror and I'm staring at an empty room.

Fuck. My head.

Jess