After You

Willow

Dear Alfie,

I feel like a terrible friend.

I wasn't expecting Jess to message me tonight. We haven't spoken for such a long time, and although I've tried to smile at her when I've seen her in class, she just looks straight through me. I don't think she's been doing it deliberately; it's as though she just doesn't see me. I've heard from the others that she gets drunk a lot, and Jacob thinks she's been spending a lot of time high too. I'm worried about her; that's not the Jess we know.

It seems ironic for me to be saying that I'm worried about her, when I ignored her text. I think it just came as such a surprise. I know the right thing to do would have been to apologise to Finn, to stop what we were doing (I'll spare you the details; I'm sure you can imagine) and for both of us to go to her house and make sure she was okay.

That said, she didn't seem particularly upset or urgent in her message. She's been so volatile lately; I do worry that maybe she wanted to shout at us for something. Maybe she is still struggling to come to terms with what happened, and she feels that we've moved on too quickly. I get that impression from a lot of people. I saw your mum in town yesterday, and she avoided making eye contact with me.

Maybe she just wanted company. The thing is, I don't want to spend time with her if she's drunk. I can't think of a worse way to spend an evening than sat in Jessica's bedroom while she wails and drinks vodka. I know that's selfish of me, but it's self-preservation. I have no doubt it would turn into a session of sharing memories of you, and I'd end up sobbing and feeling guilty for being with Finn, just as I'm starting to tell myself that it's okay to move on. For my own mental health, I can't take on her problems tonight.

I'll go around to her house tomorrow and call for her. Remember when we used to go for picnics in the park, all of us? Maybe I'll suggest that we all do that. It'll force Jacob and Max to be civil with one another, and it means Jess will get out of the house and have some company for a bit. I haven't been a very good friend to her lately, but I'm going to change that.

I won't have been the only person she's messaged, anyway. I know for a fact that she sent Finn the same text, so I assume she's contacted Jacob and Max too. One of them will go over and keep her company tonight, and then we'll all spend time together in the morning, like old times. Well, not like old times, but as close as it's going to get.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe it's to make sure I do it. Maybe it's to ease my guilt.

Willow