After You

Jacob

Alfie,

I used to take such joy in reminding you that there are always differences, even between identical twins.

I remember the time we spent an entire weekend arguing over nature vs. nurture. You insisted that we had to be 100% the same because we both like sardines, and who the heck else do we know that likes sardines? I thought I'd won at this point, because I had never really liked sardines, but if you're force-fed sardines on toast enough times at Auntie Pat's, you have to grow to tolerate them. That's when you grinned, and said you felt exactly the same.

"We're twins", you said, smirking like you'd won the entire argument. "If you smile, I smile. If you laugh, I laugh. If you cry, I cry".

At which point I punched you in the arm, and as you started to cry, I laughed.

"So much for your theory," I smirked.

I'm not proud of myself for that. In fairness, we were eight.

Now I spend most of my time trying to remind myself that there were differences between us.

You became Head Boy, and I didn't.

You had a girlfriend, and I didn't.

You killed yourself, and I didn't.

I cling to that last one like it's a life raft in the middle of the Atlantic. You are dead and I am not. You were depressed and I am not. You committed suicide and I will not.

I will not, I will not, I will not.

J.