After You

Finn

Dear Alfie,

I have to re-do this letter because Mrs Linton says I spent too much of the time addressing her and worrying what she thought about it. At first I felt a little disappointed, because it felt like getting a bad mark on an essay, but she says it's not like that. She just needs to make sure I'm getting the full benefit of the exercise or something like that. After I thought about it a bit, I didn't mind so much. Even though it's weird writing letters to a dead person, it was actually quite nice to feel like I was talking to you when I wrote the last letter, even if I knew you couldn't write back.

Everyone is adjusting to life without you, I think. I'm still looking after Willow, like I said I would. I don't mean "looking after her" as in taking over from you as her boyfriend, just checking in on her as often as possible. She's doing okay, I think. She seemed really low the other day, so we chatted for a bit. She admitted that she actually considered killing herself too, to be with you, and begged me not to tell anyone. I'm torn between keeping it a secret and telling Mrs Linton, because it seems like something she needs to know. I've already lost one friend, I don't want to lose another. I can't lose another.

I'm still really worried about Jess. She just seems to be sinking lower and lower. She wasn't in school the other day, and I worried that she might have done something stupid. The thing is, I don't know Jess as well as I know Willow. I've known them both for an equal amount of time, but Jess was always your friend, and Willow was always ours. I think Jess has always thought I'm just a tall, lanky idiot. In fact, I think she called me that once. I can't remember why. She hasn't tried to confide in me at all, and I'm a little nervous to approach her. Jess has always scared me a bit.

We don't hang out at break like we used to. We're not ignoring each other; it's not like that at all, it's just hard. We did it in the first week back, but we all just sort of stood around, not doing or saying anything. We have so many memories from the last six years, and without you there, it doesn't feel right. Willow and I go and sit in the sixth form common room and chat. I think Max goes to the library. Jacob is usually in detention for turning up late, and I have no idea where Jess goes. She's on her own a lot, which is another thing that worries me. No-one should be alone after something like this.

This is all getting really heavy now, and I don't like it. Our conversations never used to be this heavy. I mean, we could talk about the deep stuff if we needed to, but most of the time we just had a laugh.

On second thoughts, maybe we couldn't talk about the deep stuff. Did I do something to make you feel like you couldn't talk to me about how you were feeling? I know I was never the best at giving advice, but you know I would have listened. You did know, didn't you?

Everyone told me from the start that this wasn't my fault. At first, I kept thinking "I know. I know it isn't my fault, so why does everyone feel the need to tell me that?". Now I'm wondering if maybe I was at fault all along.

Finn.