Dear Diary

Chap 5

February 2014: Age 17

Dear diary,

Today he saw my inner monster. 

I hurt him by saying things I didnt mean. I dont know what's wrong with me today. 

Somehow, my dark thoughts came rushing through my mind today.

I still couldnt believe that I'm dating him and I kept thinking that I'm not good enough. 

When all these negative thoughts hit my limit, I rush out to the toilet where I could leak my eyes out...and did a little bit of self harm. 

After that, I tried to pretend that I was fine and went to my friends. 

They saw right through me.

The tears came back and I quickly excuse myself, bu Laila knew so she was tagging along. 

After letting it all out and having a deep conversation with my friends, I went back to class and found him at his usual place, waiting for me. 

I tried to pretend again, but fail miserably. 

I end up hurting him by saying that he doesn't need to know everything about me, we might not even last long. 

I felt so guilty.

At that moment, I hated myself more than usual. 

But he didn't leave. He stays there until I'm ready to talk. 

He knows that I self harm and he didn't think of me differently. 

His words just sent a warm feelings to my heart as if a flower just bloomed in myself. I could still hear his voice saying, "Don't self harm, you're beautiful."

And to think that I couldn't fall much more deeply into him. I was dead wrong. 

I know that I won't leave him in the future but would he leave me?

I'll try to not let the negative thoughts kill me next time, I'll try to believe into him more.

I'll try, because I really want to be with him.