Dear Diary

Chap 11

2017: Age 20

Dear diary, 

It has been 3 years since I wrote in this book. When I read back, I realized that a lot has changed.

Well, I've finished my diploma, made new friends, became the leader to most (all) of my group assignments, gain courage to present or talk in front of thousands of people, and I've stopped self- harming. 

But sometimes when I couldn't handle it or when my emotions were all over the place, I once did it with a rubber band. But that was last year and I only did it once. 

Granted, I have dark days in my life and I mostly let it out by talking to my best friend, Laila, and my mum. They would always give me advice and share their own experiences. And I really appreciate them for that. 

I realized that back then, I was so obsessed with having someone to love me. But really, all I need is myself to love me. Because once you do, you will be in content. 

I can't say that I fully love myself because once a while I would say that I hate myself for being who I am. Mostly when I embarrassed myself in front on someone by being awkward. 

Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror I would randomly say "I would bang myself."

Therefore, I don't fully hate myself anymore and I also don't feel like dying as I look forward for the future. I look forward for even the smallest things like the new episode of Riverdale or anime. 

I used to hate myself for not living. But honestly, if you do the things you like, even if it's staying inside and binge watch a show, that itself is living your life.

As for my depression, well, it's not as severe like back then. I don't feel numb anymore. I realized that I felt a lot more alive when I watch a show or when I fan girl over kpop idols. 

I remember that once high school was over and I removed myself from that awful environment and people that I don't talk to, I became more in content and I just stopped self harming. 

At that moment, I tried to live for myself. 

That's my main reason to live now, for myself.