Dear Diary

Chap 9

2014: Age 17

Dear diary,

My brothers saw me crying today.

It was embarrassing.

My younger brother barged into my room and saw me leaking my eyes out. I even asked him for a hug because the pain was too much.

The hug was awkward.

Never again. 

My older brother gave me a lecture and sharing his part of story that he had experienced.

I cried again when I re-read our past conversations and I still remember his words; 

"Just because I'm a boy, doesn't mean that I should always make the first move." 

I understand that, but he's always surrounded with his friends and I'm always on my own. I can't make the first move knowing that it would attract attention from his friends. I really hate attention. I hate it. 

I'm really bad at this. I'm only good at pushing people away, because I'm afraid and I knew they won't stay long anyways. Because of me.

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2014: Age 17

Dear diary, 

It is my birthday. How depressing.

It has been a month after the break up. Ever since that day I have been very emotional. 

I cried at random times, while shopping with my mum. I saw lots of couples and it brings tears to my eyes. I saw newlyweds marriage couple and I just break down because I have fantasized on what we would be like in the future. 

I am not doing fine. I am not okay.

After the break up and school reopen after summer holidays, he didn't come to school for a week and I was worried about him.

I kept typing the words to say to him but at the end, I didn't send it to him. 

When he did show up at school, I didn't say anything to him because I know that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. So, I will keep my distance and just be me. The anti-social and invisible girl.

My birthday is quite depressing, I did nothing. 

My family didn't prepare anything and my siblings forget about it.

My friends didn't remember until I told them about it. All I did was, sleep.

That's how I spent my birthday, sleep.

Because dreams are much more better than life.