Dear Diary

Chap 1

February 2010: Age 13

Dear diary, 

Today my friends asked me why I was so quiet. Every time we hang out together, I would always just sit back and listen to their conversation instead of joining in. 

But the funny thing is, I am much more louder when I am at home surrounded by my family. 

I dont know why tough. 

Maybe because I know that my family will accept the weird me, but I dont know how my friends will react to that. 

I dont have the confidence to speak up what I have in mind and I always hate that about myself. 

Thats why I always get picked on by other classmates. They would always say mean stuff and I would always just stay silent until they given up on getting a reaction from me.

But my best friend, Nala, would always fight them for me.

Like today, James were making fun of how I look because of my 'asian' eyes. Nala then began to make fun of his looks and in the end, he cried. 

I'm lucky that I have a friend like Nala.  

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March 2010: Age 13

The darkness in my heart are still growing. Everyday I always felt lonely, even if I was with someone I would still feel lonely.

I dont even know myself why I always feel so sad and numb.

I've started to become even more quieter than before at home, because I feels like no one cares about me.

Sometimes my mum would get angry at me when I dont listen to her. She would started to pinch my arm when I disobey her.

I even said mean words to her behind her back but I didnt really mean the words I just said.

I know that it must have been hard for her to take care all of us alone.

I wanted to change myself so badly. I dont want to be the "shy" girl at school but a loud girl at home.

I wanted to make a lot of friends at school.

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April 2010: Age 13

Dear diary,

Today I talked a lot with some boys in my class!

I talked to Sean that I dont talk much to. I began to gain courage a little bit.

Nala even told me that her brother, Keith, think me as his friend. At least that's what he told her.

I dont feel as lonely as I was before.

I really want to fit in with everyone. I dont want them to think I'm weird because I dont talk much with everyone except for my friends.

How can I change myself for me to be liked by everyone?

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August 2010: Age 13

Dear diary,

Today, I cried.

I cried because, somehow, I felt that I was unneeded and unloved.

My friends talked about their boyfriends and I just sat in silence as always.

That got me thinking that I've never been in love before. I doubt that there would be a guy out there in the world that would love me because even I hate myself.

So to think that someone would love me has become an absurd thought.

I always feel unnoticed, left out and lonely.

I dont know how to change myself so I could be loved by others.