Better Off Alone✔

€hapter 10:

~Rebel~

   The worst battle you have to fight, is between what you know and what you feel.

   What I knew, was that true love doesn't exist and I knew no one could love someone like me.

  But what I felt, was a far cry from commen sense.

   And that's what went through my head when our lips collided for the first time.

   I gasped and pushed him away.
  
   With a surprised look on his face, I could see the hurt emotion he held back. This emotion of hurt and betrayal.

   "Go." I say in a stern voice.

   "What? W-why?"

   He looked confused and hurt. Everything I wished wouldn't have been caused by me.

I couldn't bare to meet his eyes any longer or to even be near him, so I do what I always do.

   Push. Push away the light, push away my family, and push away him. The only human being that ever cared.

   "Just get out! I don't want you here. I don't want you. In fact, just vanish from my life Alex." I howled in fury.

   This is not what I intended. I never wanted to hurt him, in fact I should have kept running when I had the chance.

   "You know what Rebel, screw this. All I've ever done for you is try to heal you. Yet, here you be, thinking you know everything. Well guess what, you may have had it rough, but let me tell you, it only gets worse if you refuse the help. Right now you refuse the healing your heart wishes to receive. So until you learn to let me in, I'm done. "

   With that being said, he walked out, without another word, and slammed the door behind him.

    I was choked on words I hadn't even spoken.

   Why I'm like this, is a question I have asked myself non-stop.

    I never really knew the answer. I still don't. But in times like these, I wish I did.

   You see, self-restraint seems endlessly impossible when it comes to my body and thoughts.

    I couldn't control my thoughts when they began to race when he was near.

   I couldn't control my body as it moved closer to him. Or when my lips touched his.

   And I couldn't control my voice when I pushed him away.

   This is who I am. Who I've become.

   Have you ever been so upset you that you couldn't even cry? Because, at this exact moment, my tears seemed to be constipated. Clogged. Fixed.

   I wiped at tears that weren't even there and caught a glance of myself in the mirror.

   My blue eyes were distant and the bags beneath them were heavy, as if they were over stuffed.

   My skin was pale. My hair dead.

    My arms jiggled,  My thighs touched, and you couldn't see my ribs.

    I wish I could change. I wanted to be gaunt. I wanted to see my ribs and for my collarbone to show abnormally.

   The words they called me scream in my head.

   Fatso. Whore. Obese.

   'I deserve every ounce of this'

    I would tell myself I deserved this.  It's my fault.

    I lifted my shirt up, slowly, as if I was expecting some horrifying thing to be there, in place of my stomach.

   I couldn't see my ribs. I didn't feel like I was myself. This isn't my body. It can't be.

   Everyone tells me to eat. But when I do, they call me fat.

    My aunt says I'm skinny. She says I'm a stick, that could break if she even dared to poke me.

    I'm not fat. I just feel fat.

   Yes, there is a difference.

   Alex says I have Body Distortion Disorder. Known as BDD. Sometimes I believe him and other times I don't.

   Here I go again, bringing everything back to Alex.

   He's never going to forgive me.

   I deserve this. 

   This is who I am.
                What I've become.
                           Who I'll always be.