Better Off Alone✔

€hapter 11:

Paris-

It's been a month since the incident occured.

I've tried so hard to walk up to him and apologize. But everytime, I trap myself in a corner and dare not to meet his eyes.

I have eaten much. I think he is worried about me because sometimes I catch his eyes staring at my body.

By 8th period I already wanted to go home.

I was tired and my shirt clinged to my skin with sweat.

Where is the air conditioning in this wretched place?

Anyway, I was in history when it happened. One minute we were writing notes, then the next we were assigned partners, and it just so happened that I was assigned Alex.

I sat there paralyzed and even though I couldn't see him, I knew Alex's eyes were on me. I could feel them.

I wasn't moving. There was no way. Part of the reason was because I didn't want to face him and the other was because I wasn't ready to give in.

Thank god I didn't have much time to think about the matter, because before I knew it he was beside me

Silence filled the space between us, making it awkward. Too awkward.

"I'm sorry," my words came out in a rush, "I was a jerk and I knew I was being one, but I just couldn't help myself."

But the truth was, I could have helped it, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to let anyone in.

I spent years building my walls, and they weren't coming down easily.

   Silence.

   He said nothing, but merely nodded his head in agreement.

   "I've kind of- nevermind. I want to apologize for making you feel the way I made you feel." I say opening my book, "I let you in, got your hopes up, only to destroy them. I want your forgiveness, Alex. "

   "I'm ready to let you in, I think. I mean, I'll try. But, it'll be hard. The truth is, I really like you. No one has ever cared for me the way you do, and no one has ever looked at me the way you do. Every day, I see you at school. I see your pain. And it HURTS." 

   I felt my eyes tearing up as I said that last sentence. I never realized how it hurt. I only realized the absence of him not being there.

   For a moment, a split second, I saw something flash across his eyes. I don't know what it was, maybe he missed me too. It's a long shot, but it gave me hope.

   Silence.

   I sigh and look at my book, fiddling with pages.

   My emotions are controlling my heart, my heart controlling my brain. I want to feel his breath upon my neck. I want that feeling I get when he's beside me to come back.

   I bite my lip. Hard. I could taste the coppery taste of blood and i let it float across my tongue. Gripping the desk until my knuckles are white.

   This is what it takes for me to shove my scream back down my throat. I want him to understand.

   It was then that I felt relaxed. A sudden warmth has spread across my body and I released the grip I had on both the desk and my lip.

   This warmth was familiar. Like it was truly a memory. No.

  No, it wasn't a memory. It was a hand.

   A warm hand tangled in mine as if to reassure me it was okay. It was Alex.

   I couldn't hold my tears back, instead I choked on them.

   I'm standing, walking. Slamming a door, a locker.

    Run. My mind is screaming at me. Run.

   He didn't follow after me and that was okay.

   That was okay. It's okay.

   I deserve this.