Doubt Thou Stars Are Fire

Chapter Five

"Trusting them is the last thing I'd ever do."

I stared awake in my bed, staring outside my tent in deep thought. What if he was being. Unfaithful? I turned on my side and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get some sleep. Images of other, more beautiful and thinner women peeped through out my mind. I wasn't fat, by any means. But I was for sure curvier than most. I chewed my lip, their pretty faced smiled as I kept my eyes clenched shut. It was bound to happen. The wife was away, of course there would be something happening. Tiredness begged me to sleep but anxiety kept pulling at my night dress, keeping me awake. What if Florence was right?
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I opened my eyes again to another coffee sitting on the table as well as a small biscuit. I smiled and picked up the now cooled off cup and sipped it. I barely slept, so coffee was something that was an absolute necessity. The bags under my eyes most likely looked like I had gotten into a fight as I slept. I took a bite from the biscuit when I was finished getting ready and made my way to Florence who was standing by herself with a paper in her hand. The early autumn wind whipped her hair around. Something was off. I made my way to her,"Good morning, Flo."
Her head turned to me. It looked like she hadn't got much sleep either,"Good morning, Winnie."
"Are...you feeling okay?" Her beautifully tanned olive toned skin was pale.
She shook her head and gripped the paper, I swear I saw tears form,"My mother, Elena died two nights ago." With those words I watched her fall apart at the seams. She put a hand over her mouth and began to cry. Instantly, I pulled her in for a hug and kept her close. Her body shook as I led her back into her tent. I begged her to stay in bed, her stubborn spirit was hard to convince but I got her to rest anyways.
"I'll be back before you know it, just relax, I got it for today." I tried to comfort her. I gripped her hand in mine,"It'll be just fine." I whispered. Tears still slipping from her eyes like rain trickling off a leaf to the ground, she nodded and sent me off.
My thoughts surrounded her as I pushed on through the day. The bleakness was ended by my entering into Ben's tent, again. It was lunch again, I didn't feel comfortable enough sitting with the nurses and the handful of doctors that we had so I sat down next to his bed.
"Are you not going to eat?" He swept his eyes over me.
"I'm not particularly hungry. Florence's mother died this morning, she's really upset." I moved me eyes to him. He was so handsome in the afternoon light.
"I had no idea she had a mother, my condolences." He ran a free hand through his hair,"...are you doing alright?"
"I am, I'm just worried for her. She's sort of my only friend in camp, you know?"
"Ah..I see," he said sitting up,"Do you want to do something to get your mind off of it?"
"What do you have in mind, Captain?" I began to blush.
"Just talking or something, it can always help."
I nodded and leaned my head on his bed,"Alright then, lets talk. You know theres other nurses in camp, as well as another matron, why did you give only me coffee and not them?" I looked up at him again. I saw his cheeks flare up.
"Well...well...Well, I just...I don't know, I thought it would be nice to welcome you." He tried to keep himself composed. I grinned to myself and nodded.
"If you say so, Captain."
"And I do." He stretched and lied his head back,"What do you think of this whole war?"
"I think it's needed for our freedom, there can't and won't be a change without a push and a pull, if that push and pull means war, so be it." I glanced back him,"What do you think of it?"
"Good girl, have you put thought into this cause? I think it's necessary that we fight this together as one." He ran a hand through his locks,"the cost of the war is just hard to accept."
"What do you mean?"
"The loss of lives are hard to accept, on both sides."
"That's understandable," I moved my body to face him,"you sound like a deep person."
"I've lost an extremely close friend due to this war." He sat up with a pained groan.
"Captain, are you alright?" I jumped to my feet, and began to lay him down gingerly,"Who was it?"
"N-Nathan Hale," he let me take control of him.
"Nathan...the spy? I remember hearing of him late last summer...You were close to him? A spy?" I asked, looking down at Benjamin's most handsome face in confusion.
"We attended the same school, the rest is history." He managed a weak smile. I could tell he was hiding a burning pain behind his soft smile.
"I...I had no idea, Captain."
"Call me Ben, please." He held my hand for a moment.
"I'm honored." I gave him a flustered smile,"I...I hope you don't mind me declaring that you are so endearing."
"Me? Endearing? Matron Winifred, I do believe you sell yourself short."
"How do you mean?"
"I find you quite endearing as well." He tightened his grip on my hand. I blushed and looked away,"I found you to be attractive, ever since you first took a step into this tent, I found myself appalled by your beautiful figure and enthralling features."
I opened my eyes wide,"C-Captain!"
"Ben." He corrected.
"Ben...I'm afraid to inform you that I have to tell you to...suppress these emotions, for I'm engaged. I'd hate to see you pursue something you cannot be able to own..."
"Let me pursue anyways, a life without your beauty is dull."
"B-Benjamin...please." I furrowed my brows,"we've only known one another for three days, there is no..there's no way you can feel this way with the limited amount of time we've spent with each other."
"Then let me know you better," he smiled softly,"another coffee tomorrow?"
"I...I'm sorry, I have to leave, Benjamin..." I pulled my hand away from his grip and stormed from his tent and into my own. I kept my head low to hide the fact that I was quietly crying. I set myself up on my bed and sat with my head in my hands.
No man, not even my Fiancée, has said such words to me. Words with such a passion is was palpable. I put my head up and wiped the soft tears from my dark under eyes. God help me, I felt like if I returned to his tent the next day I would be committing an act of infidelity and be treated like a prostitute. With my position in the camp, I couldn't be able to write to my Jack without guilt.
What and why did I feel guilty? I thought. I hadn't had sex with him, I didn't kiss his sweet looking lips. Though I may have thought of it as I lie awake in my bed, I would never. I picked up the letter that Jack had wrote me. I read his sweet words over and over to myself. Out loud and then to myself. I love, I love, I love, I love. I shook my head and tossed the damned letter to the floor. How to silence these emotions? Sure, Jack was cold in life, but his letters warmed me to my core. Why this sudden change? Oh, damn it all!
I threw open the curtains to my tent to visit Florence after I had cooled off and my crying has ceased. I found her on her side staring blankly out to the wall of her tent. "Flo..." I cooed, swooping to her side,"how are you feeling?"
I could feel the heaviness of her heart. She made no answer, her eyes just swept over me like I wasn't there. I ran a hand through her hair,"It'll be okay, I'm sure your mother would be proud if she knew what you were doing today."
"I never got to say goodbye." Florence's voice sounded hoarse.
"Oh, Flo." I wrapped my arms around her thin frame,"It'll be okay."
"I-it's not. I'm an unworthy daughter, I never made her happy, I never made her proud. I'll never have the chance to see her again." Her body quaked.
I felt some since motherly-ness kick in, I felt the need to protect her. I held her close and kept stroking her hair until she calmed down,"if there is anything that I can promise you, it will be that it will always be okay."