Doubt Thou Stars Are Fire

Chapter Eleven

Another scream erupted. It sounded like another girl. My stomach churned as I pushed myself from my bed with my unwounded arm. It still hurt, but I believe far greater pain would come if I didn't get up. Ben stood outside the tent, an expression, crossed between bewilderment and horror played upon his face. I stuck my head from the tent and watched the horrendous scene take place. A few men ran past us, readying their guns with each step. Ben began to run with them, and soon, I followed. Was what I was doing foolish? Of course, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't throw myself into action. I followed close at Ben's flank, pressing with my free hand into my opposite shoulder. I was worried about blood loss rather than the pain itself.

 I tried my best to keep up but lost all willingness to continue when I saw a girl lying face down in a patch of decaying grass. I dropped to my knees and rolled her over onto her side. I almost immediately recognized her as one of my own. There was a bullet wound on her side, piercing through her dress and corset. I felt sick. I was supposed to protect my girls from this. I was suppose to give them home. Tears swelled up at my eyes. The girls were innocent. My girl's only wanted the good in all of. They werent able to fight, so they had to stand up one way or another. I doubled over and clutched onto her stained apron. She would never experience life or freedom

A dead solider dawning crimson laid to rest a few feet ahead of me. A melee laid in his limp hand. I frantically crawled towards him, grabbing the weapon from his hand and checking to see if there was ammunition in it. Sadly for me, there wasn't. I tossed the useless gun to the side and watched the fight ensuing ahead of me. 

A gunshot. 

A body meeting the ground. 

Repeat. 

The scene made me sick. I keeled over and vomited in a patch of grass next to the body. I wanted to throw myself into the fight, but the shooting pain in my arm made it difficult to continue. I hardly noticed how hard I was crying. My tears ran down my cheeks like individual rivers. I clutched onto the stained apron on my dress hard enough that my knuckles turned white. 

It stung to know that there would be more stains on this apron after this. I wasn't looking forward to the dying men, boys, and girls on cots. A few images of people laying in beds, grasping onto life as hard as they can before slipping away. This image wasn't something I conjured from the depths of my mind, instead, it was an image I've seen before. Each bed I passed filled my heart with sorrow. young boys and old men called out to me. 

"Matron, please help." 

"Is this how it all ends, matron?" 

"Did she ever receive my letter?"

Each question buzzing through my mind. I hate that this all happens. I hated how my heart dropped when they asked me each question. I chewed my lip and watched another boy fall to the ground. I shut my eyes then and kept them shut...

"Winnie...Darling, come on it's over." I heard Florence's name calling to me. I slowly open my eyes, each blink feeling a bit lighter than before. I was laying down again, but this time Florence looked a lot angrier.  "Now that you're awake, do you care to explain to me why you were sitting out in open field with your damned eyes shut?" Her cheeks were red from holding in all of that hot air. "And your arm, my god, your arm! it was bleeding everywhere?" She paused herself for a moment to collect her thoughts. "Why in God's name were you out there?" 

I lied staring at her with wide eyes. I couldn't formulate an excuse besides that I wanted to go out there and held Ben. I realized now that I would have no use in helping him in battle with a wounded arm. I didn't help myself either in running out at his feet. I felt guilty, I didn't want to make Florence upset or have her worry over me. Especially after her mother's death. I studied her eyes closely, they still bore dark circles from late nights of questioning herself on how she could have made things right between them. 

I sighed and rolled onto my side, but I regretted immediately doing so because I rolled onto my wounded shoulder. I winced in pain and rolled onto my back again. Florence stood impatiently tapping her foot, expecting an answer from me. "I...I don't know, I saw Ben run from the tent after the first few shots were fired, and I felt the need to run with him. Is it all over?"

"Dios mio..." She shook her head,"You cannot do that again, alright?" She knelt by my bed,"What if the girls saw you? We can't have them know that...that you've been shot, that would only cause more panic and we'd lose authority. Listen, Winn" She sighed deeply,"I love you, and I can't lose you. You're the only person I have left to confide in." 

"I...I'm sorry, Florence." I turned my head to her,"I love you too, I promise it won't happen again." 

I believe I saw tears forming in her eyes, but she turned away too quickly for me to confirm if there were any tears. "I'll bring Ben in, he isn't too pleased with finding you out there next to a redcoat and a pile of your own vomit." 

"Oh..." I furrowed my brows and turned my eyes back up to the ceiling. I was beginning to recall something that I assume I had forgotten. 

Ben pushed open the tent's flap. A cut appeared across his cheek, decorating his flawless face. "Winnifred, what were you doing out there?" He pulled a desk chair up to the cot and sat down, grabbing my hand. 

"I felt the need to follow you out..." I looked away, feeling ashamed for having them both worry over me. 

"But still, you needed to rest, you weren't even beginning to recover. You have to be responsible, especially for yourself. What if you had gotten hurt again, but this time you didn't come through?" his eyes were filled with worry. I felt weights on my chest, this is all my fault. I caused them to worry over me because I was being reckless. 

"I'm sorry..." I began to cry myself,"I couldn't stand not helping you or anything while people were dying," I managed to choke out between sobs, the memory of the girl lying on her face only made the feeling worse. I could hardly choke a word out. I clung to Benjamin's hand sobbed as he tried to calm me down.

"Winnifred, please calm down its alright. Florence and I aren't upset or anything, please." I retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket and began to wipe the tears from my eyes. I shook my head and cried harder. They had to be lying to me, they were mad at me for being reckless. I'm the only person Florence has left, what if I died there? Then what? The thought of Florence being alone only made me more upset.  

After an hour of ongoing weeping, I finally calmed down. I clutched my pillow to my chest and had my eyes glued to the top of the tent. Ben still sat next to me, holding my hand in his. When I glanced at him, he looked weary. "Ben, please go sleep." I urged him. 

"Are you sure? I can stay longer." 

I sighed and squeezed his hand,"If you don't want to leave I'm sure I can make room for you here." Truth is, I didn't want him to leave me. These thoughts would only get worse if I were alone. 

"But your arm-" 

"My shoulder will be fine if I don't lay on it." I smiled softly and moved to the side of the small bed. Ben undressed himself from his uniform down to his pants and undershirt. I noticed when he was doing so, the splotched of blood upon his fabric. He lied next to me in bed and stroked my red hair. "How did you get that?" I extended my unwounded arm and ran my finger under the cut on his cheek. It didn't look very deep. 

"I...a redcoat pulled a knife and missed me by a bit." He smiled softly. His blue eyes stared intently at me. I secretly hoped he was enchanted by my brown eyes like how I was with his. Our faces moved together and then our lips touched very softly at first. I pulled away for a moment, I shocked myself by kissing him. The initial shock wore off and I went back into him. This time, he pulled away. Another smile was drawn on his face. He rested his hand on my waist and drifted off with a soft grin. Soon, I found myself drifting back and back to sleep.