Do you miss it

Inner Demons

'They say don't let them in, close your eyes and clear your thoughts again'

Camila's POV

"What's wrong" Dinah asked me in a concerned tone. "I- I can't-" I tried to tell Dinah what was wrong but the words just wouldn't come out. Which isn't helping my problem.

"Mila I need you to breathe. Where are you?" Dinah said as I heard her moving around. "Th- The play ground" I breathed out, trying to focus on getting my breathing under control. 

"The playground near your house?" Dinah asked as I heard what sounded like a door opening then closing on her end. "Yes" I told her. Before I could say anything else she spoke.

"Stay there and try to calm down. I'll be there in 10 minutes" Dinah rushed to say before hanging up. 'The girls are still here?' I thought to myself as I started to hear my own heart beat.

'I need to relax' I tell myself as I start taking long deep breath. I'm not sure how long I was doing that but I knew it wasn't working. I wiped the hot tears that made their way down my face making me huff in frustration. I just want to stop overthinking.

"Mila" I hear from behind me, making me turn around to see Dinah coming towards me. "What's going on? What's wrong?" Dinah asked, worry written all over her face as she sat down next to me and waited for me to answer.

The girl in front of me used to be like a sister to me and I let my stupid thoughts ruin what we had. It was my fault. All of the arguments, the hate, the rumors. I just had to ruin our relationship. 

"Mila? You have to tell me what's wrong" Dinah said again. Looking at Dinah just made me realize what I lost. All I could do was sob. "I'm so sorry" I sobbed, not bothering to wipe the tears that were falling.

"I m- mess ever- everything up" I cried looking at Dinah. "No you don't" Dinah said to me. "You didn't mess anything up Camila" Dinah tried to tell me only making me cry more. "I did. I messed up what we had, what me and the others had, everything" 

I sobbed. "Everything is j-just too much" I cried, making me cough. Dinah gently began to rub my back until I stopped coughing. I went to talk again but Dinah cut me off. "Look at me and copy my breathing okay" 

Dinah instructed, turning her body more towards me. I looked at Dinah and began taking deep breaths with her. We did this for about 5 minutes before Dinah spoke.

Dinah's POV

Camila shook her head yes while taking a shaky breath. Over the 4 years of being close friends with Camila, I learned how to calm her down in cases like this. "Please don't beat yourself up" I whispered as I wiped Camila's tears out of habit.

"I'm sorry that I made you come here" Camila sighed. "You can go back to the girls if you want. I didn't mean to interrupt" Camila said, getting ready to stand before I grabbed her wrist.

"Hold on. I'm not leaving. Tell me what made you so upset in the first place" I told Camila in a sincere tone. I'm not leaving her right now. "It's just work and stuff you know" Camila replied in a 'It doesn't really matter' tone.

"You're exhausting yourself" I said in a knowing tone. "Stopping isn't an option. Not when everyone looks at you like you have all this strength. People expect me to keep going. I can't mess that up too"

Camila finally told me what was wrong, making me sigh. "Camila you can't do that. It isn't healthy and you know it" I told Camila but she just shook her head no.

"That's not how this works" Camila said, playing with her bracelet. "Then tell me what it's like then" I replied. "I- I can't. You won't understand" Camila told me still not looking at me.

"How do you know?" I questioned. I want to help but I can't if Camila isn't making an effort. This is what led to many of our past arguments and I'm trying t avoid another one.

"I just...know" Camila sighed before standing up. "I'm trying to help you Camila. You have to work with me" I said also standing up as Camila ran her hands through her hair.

"You won't know what I feel Dinah. What's the point in expressing how I feel? So I can just regret saying it and feeling stupid" Camila said as she started pacing.

"This was a bad idea" Camila mumbled and she rested her arms on the top of her, letting out a sigh. "If you'd just tell me how you feel maybe I could help" I suggest again, trying my best to help.

"You won't get it. Just drop it" Camila mumbled as she continued to pace. I was getting tired of her telling me that I wouldn't get it. She doesn't know that. "How? How won't I get it Mila?" I huffed, letting my arms fall to my side.

"Because you HAVE 3 people to talk to about your problems and I don't!" Camila finally said making us both stand in silence. We stood there for a few more seconds before Camila spoke up.

"I had you and the girls to talk to about things and I went and ruined what we had. Now I have no one to fully understand me" Camila explained as she sat back down on the bench.

"God I'm such a bitch" Camila thought out loud. I sighed and sat back down next to her. "No you're not. You wanna know something?" I asked, grabbing Camila's attention. Sure she didn't responded but the look she gave me did answer.

"You're one of the strongest people I know. That includes when you mess up or when you let your emotions take over" I started, looking at Camila to make sure she was still listening before I continued.

"You may let your emotions tear you down but you always over come, as cheesy as that may sound" I giggled, smiling when I noticed the small smile on Camila's face. 

"It's okay not to be okay" I said, giving Camila a soft smile, making her smile too. Camila sighed before turning around and putting her feet up on the bench and laying her head on my lap. "Can we just pretend this is 2014 and we had no problems?"

Camila asked as she looked down at her shoes. "Will that make us stop fighting?" I mumbled, playing with a strand of Camila's hair. Camila looked at me and sighed in content as she looked back at her shoes. "I hope so" Camila whispered.

I missed my best friend and I'm going to enjoy this moment while it lasts. Lord knows it probably won't be long.