August 4, 2017
New York City
Beyoncé Knowles
A streak of lighting cuts through the sky, illuminating my tear streaked face.
As the rain drops cascade down the large glass window in the bedroom of the penthouse my wife Onika and I share, so do my tears, as they mimic the motion on my cheeks.
As a child, I would always stand by the window and watch the rain fall because for some strange reason, it calmed me. But now as I stand here doing that very thing, the calming effects of the sound and vision of rain, can do nothing but foreshadow the whirlwind that my life is again headed into.
I run my fingers through my long blonde hair, and then I wipe my face. Hearing the shower cut on letting me know my wife is getting in, I make my way over to our walk-in closet and walk to the very back, where Nika has the clothes she never wears hanging up. I part the clothes in the middle, moving them to either side of me.
I run my fingers over the wall in front of me until I feel a small bump. I put slight pressure on that area, and the door of the small secret space I have built into the wall, gently pops open.
I open it up some more to pull out my book of thoughts, or as most people like to call my diary, and my pen. I've had this book since I was 16 years old.
Ever since I've had it, there has not been one day that I haven't written in it. Every event that has lead to this moment is in this book, and for that purpose, I keep it hidden especially from Nika. There are things from my past that I don't want her to know about, not only because I don't want her opinion of me to change, but because the things written in here can and will jeopardize her life, and I absolutely cannot have that. This book was a gift from a childhood friend, that I believe is now dead because of me.
I opened, the book to the next fresh page and tore it out. I sat on the closet floor crossing my legs. I closed my book and laid the new page on the top. I let out a deep breath and began to write.
As my pen, with my guidance, glides across the paper, the ink dries, sealing the true thoughts and feelings of my heart. I hadn't realized I was crying again until a tear drop landed on the hand that is helping to express myself through words.
Once I was finished, I stood up and placed my book and my pen in the space in the wall and closed it up. I pushed the clothes back to where they were initially, wiped my face free of tears and walked out of the closet with my piece of paper in hand. I walked over to my side of the bed, and opened the top drawer of the bedside dresser to keep the paper hidden until I wanted it found.
As I was reading it over again, I heard the bathroom door unlock, and I quickly put the paper in the drawer shutting it. I jumped in bed and grabbed my phone pretending to scroll.
Onika finally opened the door and walked into the room with her long black hair falling down her back, and nothing but a towel on. She looked at me and gave me a small smile, that quickly turned to a frown when she noticed my red puffy eyes.
"Bey have you been crying?" She asked concerned.
"Yea, I was on twitter and I saw a hilarious video that had me in tears. I'll show you later if you want." I said, hoping she would let it go.
She nodded and turned to go get something to sleep in. You see, me and my wife haven't really been on the best of terms lately, and I can whole heartedly take responsibility for that. I've been so caught up in my own thoughts and emotions about what I'm going to do, that it's taken a toll on our relationship. Not that we are at the brink of divorce or anything, it's just I haven't been all the way here and it has effected our interaction with one another, more so me than her.
