Houston
Nicki Maraj-Knowles
I've been trapped in this house for a few days now, going absolutely crazy. I don't know what is happening to Bey right now, and the not knowing is tearing my sanity into tiny pieces. When I woke up the morning Beyoncé left, and later found the letter that she wrote to me, this intense desire to find her, kill her and love on her all at the same time, was my motivation to push through the mess that is our life. But I don't have that desire this time around. This is the second time that she has willingly left me alone, and I don't know if I can forgive her for that. I know her intentions both times are not to hurt me, and that she thinks she's protecting me, but I can't find the strength to care why she's left. All my mind is consumed with, is this voice telling me that she doesn't care enough for me to stay here with me. She might as well have let that man shoot me. I know for sure I wouldn't be feeling this hurt that I can't shake off.
There have been times, as I lay in her old bed, her scent slowly starting to fade away, completely engulfed in the darkness of this room, where the thought comes to me to get up and go rescue her. Those times are fleeting, and stupid, and require me to want to see her again. In this moment in time, I don't want to see her again. I have no faith in her ability to stay with me if I were to ever see her again.
It's not that I don't love her anymore, because I love her with my entire being. It's the simple fact that I do not and cannot trust her anymore. It's gone.
My chest constricts and my body heats up as I feel tears that were waiting to be set free, trickle down my already stained cheeks. That realization hits me so hard, and it's taking everything in me not to scream out in pain. Not physical pain, but emotional. It hadn't occurred to me, just how much this whole situation had effected me and my relationship with Beyoncé. I don't what we had and have to suffer but, I don't think that I have control over that at this point. It already has, and unfortunately, it's destroying it. To be honest, I don't even know what I want to do anymore. Should I stay here and wait for her to maybe come back, or should I just go home and try and live my life without her. I was managing alright when she left me the first time. I shouldn't have any problems doing it again now that I know what's going on.
A knock on the bedroom door halts my conflicting inner interrogation, and the sound of the door slowly opening allows a sliver of light to cut through the thick blanket of dark.
"Nika?"
I recognize Tina's motherly tone calling my name. "What do you want?" I ask quietly. My voice is hoarse and almost unrecognizable to my own ears. I haven't said much to anyone since I blew up at Dominic the other day so I'm surprised I even responded.
"I just wanted to let you know that dinner is almost done. You haven't been eating and I haven't really been pressuring you to eat, but this has gone far enough. I know your hurting, and believe me, so am I, but you need to take care of yourself. Wasting away is not going to fix or change anything."
I roll my eyes, and I don't say anything to her. She has some nerve trying to come in here and act like somebodies concerned mother all of a sudden. She thinks just because she's apologized and let her secret out, that she's eligible for a Mother of the Year award. I don't want to have this conversation with her.
"I know you hear what I'm saying, even if you don't say anything back. So get up, clean yourself up, and I will send Solo up here to come and get you when the food is finished. I love you like your my own Onika, so I'm going to treat you as such."
With that, I heard the thud of the door closing, and her footsteps getting further away as she leaves. I sigh deeply, thinking about what she said. If loving me like her own child is ending up like Beyoncé, than I don't want her to love me. But, because this is her house, and I don't want to disrespect her, I'll THINK about going downstairs to eat dinner with everyone else. Dominic's annoying ass is still here, and I really don't have the patience to deal with him. I'm barely tolerating staying here in the first damn place.
I roll over onto my back, and stare at the ceiling. I wonder what my life would've been like had I not met Beyoncé. I know for damn sure I wouldn't be caught up in this foolishness, and my blood pressure would be normal. I shake my head and I slowly get up, my head screaming in protest. I've been laying in bed only periodically getting up to shower. I make a mental note to take some pain medicine when I go downstairs. I walk over to the wall and I flick the light on, immediately causing my eyes to squint, as my pupils adjust to the sudden burst of light. I bend down, and rummage through my luggage, pulling out a thong, a bra and some comfortable clothes to walk around the house in.
I walk into the bathroom, and over to the shower, turning the knob for the water.
"Nic!"
Solange's muffled voice from the other side of the closed bathroom door just barely reaches my ear.
"Yea?!" I yell.
"The food is ready so come down when your done!"
"Ok!"
I finish getting undressed, and I step into the steaming shower. A calm sensation envelopes my body as my tense muscles instantly relax. Showers always make me feel better, and they give me a chance to think clearly about life, and what choices I need to make. I really am struggling about what decision I'm going to make regarding Beyoncé and I's relationship. I don't want to throw away the years and the memories that we've created because I'm making a decision based on my emotions. If or when I do see her again, we are going to have to have a serious talk. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I wash my face and let the water pour all over it before stepping forward and turning the water off. I open the shower curtain, and I step out, grabbing the towel hanging next to me, and drying off with it. I get dressed, brush my teeth and put deodorant on. I put my hair into a messy bun and I stop and look at myself in the mirror.
I look so worn out and tired. I have bags under my eyes, and I've lost a little but of weight from not eating. I wasn't starving myself on purpose, I just haven't really had an apatite. I'm going to eat today, but I may not be much. I'm not hungry.
I take one last look, before I turn and walk out the bathroom, turning the light off in the process. I throw my dirty clothes on top of my bag, I'll put them away when I come back upstairs. I turn the bedroom light off as I leave, taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling before making my descent down the stairs. I can hear Solo and Tina talking in the kitchen, but I ignore their conversation, not really interested in what either of them have to say.
I quietly walk into the kitchen, in turn causing the conversation between them to cease.
"Hey, you made it down." Tina says, sending a small smile my way.
"Yeah. I'll eat, but it's not going to be a whole lot so don't expect anything more."
She nods her head and turns around making her plate.
"Where's Dominic?" I ask, not seeing or hearing him anywhere.
"He went to the grocery store to pick something up for me. He should be here shortly." Solo answers, turning her attention back to the dishes she is washing.
As if he heard us talking about him, the doorbell rings.
"Can you let him in please?"
I nod my head, and I walk out of the kitchen and down the short hallway to the front door. He rings the doorbell again.
"I'm coming!" Impatient ass.
I turn the lock on the door and I pull it open.
"Bey?...."
———————————————————
Here you go you guys.
How do you think Nicki is going to respond to Beyoncé being back?
How would you respond if that was you?
Until Next Time...
-PJ🦋
