Under the Bridge

chapter seven- "like everyone, she's oblivious"

DO YOU EVER  just bathe in existential dread? Like it's late at night before you sleep and you can't stop worrying, or you're in the shower and you remember one thing you completely forgot about. Maybe, you're sitting in class or somewhere else in complete silence, and you start questioning why you exist or why life matters. I'd say this is a pretty regular occurrence for me, I'm not sure if it's my anxiety or what, but more often than not, something is bugging me and making me paranoid. 

Right now, it's the fact that I'm double-booked for Saturday. From what I've seen, people without anxiety just go about their days and work around the plans, the postpone or push one idea back. 

I, on the other hand, feel compelled to worry about every freaking thing. It's to the point where I'm paranoid that I'm being paranoid and scaring everybody off. I'm worried that if I cancel on Hope, we'll stop being friends and she'll ditch me for some girl on the volleyball team and I'll be alone forever. I'm also worried that if I blow off James, he'll think that I hate him or something because I didn't go to the party, either. There's always a chance that'll happen, and right now, I'm really paranoid. 

"Are you on something?" My nerves only grow as the voice of Liam in front of me breaks my daze. 

I shake my head. "S-sorry, just tired." 

He raises his eyebrows, but he doesn't say a word. Instead, he returns to his math. The ringing of my phone interrupts the silence, and I look over to see a familiar name that introduced new anxieties onto the table.  

Liam sees the name and looks at me suspiciously, but doesn't say a word. 

"I'll um, be right back." I said, clicking accept and beginning to walk outside the library. 

"Hey Alec." I say, voice still shy and weak. 

I can tell he notices right away, because his tone is concerned. "Is this a bad time? I'm sorry I didn't call with any notice." 

I lean against the walls of the hallway and shake my head. "It's okay Alec, I missed hearing your voice." I reply, imagining him in front of me, chocolate brown eyes, boyish smile, and kind expression, like always. 

Maybe shoving him to the back of my mind and reverting to James was a bad idea. Listening to him makes me wish we were still on that dock. I wasn't over him, at all. 

"I found the friendship bracelet you made for me when Kira taught us." He laughs. 

* * *

We were sitting in Cabin twelve, our friend Kira's residence, which was now free of campers since all of them wanted to spend their free time swimming in the lake since the heat was at a record high. Alec and I are sitting on a bottom bunk, my head is resting on his shoulder, partially because he's comfortable, but mostly because it makes my heart beat out of my chest. I can smell marshmallows and fire on him, and it calms me down in a way I haven't felt in a long time. 

Right across from us, Kira is teaching us how to tie embroidery floss so it looks like one of the bright patterns that she has on her arm. Her highlighted brown hair is pulled back in an intricate braid, which was an indicator enough that this was going to be a difficult task. 

"See, just pull this loop over this string, move your arm up, and--" 

"--Hold on, what loop?" Alec asks, and a roar of laughter comes from me. His bracelet looks like a clump of knots. Mine, on the other hand, was also bad, but not nearly as horrible as his. 

"Let's just tie it off for now." Kira suggests, knowing well that he was never going to get it. 

He grins. "Give me your arm." 

When I refuse, he takes it himself, gently grabbing my small wrist in his big hand and tying the blue, green, and white band around it. It soft against my skin, and feeling his fingers graze my arm sends my heart racing. 

I pull mine around his as well, and for a second, our eyes meet, and he looks like he knows everything about me, and that everything was fine, all the puzzle pieces finally fit. 

* * *

"I still have yours." I reply, thinking about the tangle of knots that sat in my jewelry box with all my nice pieces that were much more expensive, but much less valuable. 

I hear a little chuckle over the phone. "You should wear it next Friday." 

"Over my dead body." I joke. There's a little bit of silence over the phone, until finally, I speak again voice a lot more hushed than it was before. "Why'd you call me?" I ask, honestly. 

"Because I miss you, a lot." 

* * *

This chocolate frozen yogurt doesn't taste good. It tastes like anxiety and worry, even though it's something so trivial, and so irrelevant, Hope shouldn't care, but for some reason, I feel like she will. Even covered in every topping at the stand, the flavor is still bleak and bland, when it's normally my favorite. 

My friend hasn't noticed that I look anxious, but I think like everyone, she's oblivious. 

"James invited me to his game." I said, not meeting her eyes. 

"That's great!" She exclaims, voice full of genuine, best friend excitement. It's the kind of tone that makes you feel less lonely, and less nervous, just because you know someone is there for you.

"On Saturday." I reply, biting my lip and looking up to see her reaction. 

She's still smiling. "We'll just go to the amusement park on Sunday." She sounds completely fine.  And here you were, being paranoid, freak. 

I sigh. I hate my anxiety, and I hate when it pulls impossible scenarios through my head, because I always feel guilty and stupid whenever they don't come true. I could worry about getting murdered, and if I didn't die, I'd feel like an idiot. It's a wonderful emotional cycle. Note the sarcasm. 

* * *

I'm in the bleachers, cheering. I've never been a soccer person, but seeing a certain blonde score a goal riles me up more than anything. Everyone near me is excited, the air is full of laughter, yelling, and school spirit. I've never had any myself. I don't understand why people are so patriotic over which public high they've been tossed into based on location. They were all the same when you boiled it down. 

I like the feeling that spreads through the school when we win, though. Everyone is a lot happier, they're nicer, to everyone, even if they're not involved. It's probably subconscious, but you notice things like that when you don't talk. 

Even though I'm watching James rush across the field, I feel like it's not enough. 

I'm thinking about Alec. 

I know it's irrational, I'll never see him, he's going to find someone else, we'll live our lives on opposite sides of the country. I've had a thing for James since freshman year, for God's sake, but I don't feel the same around him as I do with Alec. Around James I feel giddy and nervous, around Alec, I feel comfortable, and safe. 

I want that feeling that I get just a taste of when I hear his voice over the phone, but I know it's stupid, and selfish. I need to move on. 

But I can't. 

Maybe next week will give me the closure I need. 

But maybe it'll make everything a lot worse. 

I twirl the clump of string around my wrist while I sit back in thought. 

it's almost time to meet alec! are you guys hype?