Under the Bridge

chapter two- "nothing can fix pain like candy"

"HOW DO YOU EAT so much sugar and stay so skinny?" Hope asks as I pop another sour patch kid in my mouth and lean against my headboard.

I shrug in response. Candy is my favorite food. I've always had a thing for sweets, my mom would always give them to me as a reward for a good grade, and now that I'm old enough to afford them myself, they're just a daily reward. 

The two of us are sitting on my bed, starting to study to get ahead. As you can tell, we're the most popular kids at Winter High. Note the sarcasm. There's a bag of sour patch in the middle, and I promise you, I've eaten most of them. 

"If you had to give up one, would it be James or candy?" Hope asks, pursing her lips together. 

I laugh at the question. "Screw James, I'll marry a bag of Hershey's kisses any day." 

I've noticed that this bubbly attitude I have around Hope exists only around her. She's my only friend here, and without her, I think I'd still be mute. Back in middle school before I met her, I didn't talk to anyone at all because it would give me panic attacks. Then, our schools merged for high school, and I met Hope one day when we had to choose partners for an assignment. She said she liked my Harry Potter socks, and we've been friends since. She was new, so she didn't have any friends either. Because of that, we were a perfect match. 

Even with her, I didn't talk that much. 

It wasn't until this summer when I could finally start having conversations with people. My mother signed me up to be staff at this camp all the way in Vermont since she was going to be away for a business trip for three months and she didn't want me alone. 

Being a counselor in training all alone was hard, but I met a few nice people. Most notably was this guy named Alec who I had the biggest crush on all of summer. He was in charge of the youngest boys cabin and him being so good with kids always made me smile. Alec had dark hair and a cute smile, accompanied by a muscular build that was pretty easy on the eyes if you know what I'm saying. 

I never told anyone, even Hope, but on the last day, Alec Young took my first kiss. 

* * *

We were sitting on the dock in our swimsuits. Trees were swaying in the background, and warm air kept hitting our wet skin. I had to refrain myself from staring at his abs. He was talking about how when he got home, he would be starting his first year of college in Maryland. Not too far from Vermont, but still a long ways away from my home in Oregon. He said he was scared, but he was happy that he spent his time working at Camp Oakwood instead of being at home worrying an preparing.

"I'm really glad I came here."  He smiled, looking up at the sky, then back at me with his warm, chocolate eyes. "I'm glad I met you." His voice was soft, and it sent goosebumps down my body and butterflies were exploding in my stomach. Before I knew it, he leaned in and set his lips softly on mine. 

I felt like I was going to throw up, in the best way possible. 

I did my best not to have a panic attack or shove my tongue down his throat. I focused my energy on kissing him back, and I felt his cold hands touch the damp skin on my waist. It was a new feeling, and I felt nothing but excitement and euphoria as his fingers drew circles on my back. 

"EW!" A group of ten year-olds stood behind us, and Alec broke away, rolling his eyes. "What do you want?" He asked, semi-jokingly. 

"Ellie got her foot caught in the root of a tree, we need help!" A younger girl chimed, voice full of worry. 

I sighed. That was when our moment ended, because I had to go put a band-aid on an ankle. 

* * *

When I got home, I promised myself I'd forget about him, and it's worked. Now, I spend my time focusing on school, and on college. If I want to succeed, I have to keep my head down and my grades up. As boring as I am, at least I won't die on the streets. 

"You've been staring off into space for five minutes. You okay?" Hope asks. 

I chuckle in response. "Yeah, sorry." I reply, crossing my legs and reverting my focus back to my syllabus. I feel like now it would be too late to tell her about Alec. After all, I got back two weeks ago and she told me to tell her everything the day I returned. 

I put a sour patch kid in my mouth to forget my worries. Nothing can fix pain like candy. 

* * * 

I am panicking. My hands are shaking, my back in against the wall in the bathroom, and air felt like it just couldn't get into my lungs. I feel like I'm going to implode, all the worry piling up in my brain was stacking up like blocks in a jenga tower, but I knew that soon, it was going to fall. 

The plummet came when tears escape my eyes, pouring out and trickling down my cheeks. I don't know why I agreed to meet with James, he was probably going to blow me off or laugh at me or murder me. The feeling of an anxiety attack isn't new, but it's been so long since I've had one that makes me feel this awful. 

After a couple minutes I can regain my composure. All I'm doing is English, I should be okay. I just have to look over flash cards for half an hour and pretend to be cool. That's not that hard, is it?

It's been a week since he asked me to study with him this semester. It's Wednesday, and school just got out so the halls are nearly empty except for a few people in clubs or sports.  

I take a step outside and walk to the library. He's waiting in a snug dress shirt and brown pants. The outfit he always wears, but he pulls it off. He looks handsome, as always, his hair neatly done so that he looks even more put together. 

He waves at me and throws out a charming smile. 

I, on the other hand, trip over a cord and crash onto the ground. 

I fake a laugh as I pull myself up and walk over to the table, taking a seat across from him with cheeks as red as a rose. He's grinning, but he's obviously trying to keep his laughter to himself, maybe for the sake of keeping the library quiet. "Hey Olivia." He says. 

"Hey." I reply back, quietly. 

He flips through the textbook and grabs his flash cards. "Do you want to go over the vocab?" He asks. 

I nod, and he passes me the little squares of paper. Each one has a word our teacher coined as a "challenge term" in the book East of Eden. 

"Igness?" I ask, sifting through the cards before picking one. 

"The act of entering." He replied, quickly. 

"Shoat?" 

"A young pig." He replies, confidently, again. 

I raise my eyebrows and find another. "Perpetual." 

"Continuing forever or indefinitely." 

This goes on for a little while, until we finish all thirty flash cards for the two of us. Unlike him, I mess up a couple times, each one making me feel embarrassed and self conscious. 

At 4:30, he's telling me that he has to go to soccer practice, and I'm left in shock. 

I didn't throw up all over him. This is my crowning achievement. I better go reward myself with some more sour patch.