Everyday Thoughts

Mirror

For so long I've wonder what it would feel like to be stabbed
To feel the knife in my back as I fall slow

For so long I've long to be normal and to know how others feel
I just wanted to be okay

For so long I wanted to stop crying or lashing out because that's not okay

My mom told me it's not okay

You see my mom didn't understand that when I come home and go straight to my room

I'm not okay!

But when she did that wasn't okay.
I was crazy and defected
That's how she saw me
That's how I saw me

For so long to her I was a shadow unless she needed to vent
You see we weren't related we were friends
At Least that's what we pretended to be

So for so long I didn't understand love
But when I did I didn't get enough

Maybe that's because I wasn't enough?

I didn't understand that people care for no reason
That when someone says I love you it wasn't because they had to
I didn't understand that people could just be happy hearing just a name

But when I did
When I did
I was scared

Who could love me
Who would love me
I was broken

I am broken

So I hurt people
I was my mom for so long because who else could I be
I couldn't be me
She didn't want me to be

So I became her
I was just a dream
Someone  made up

At least that was till I was real
But no one knows
No one knows

I want be me again
I miss her so much
She miss me to
At least I think so

She doesn't answer anymore
She just stares and lays there
Or she just cries

But when the drugs hit she is alive
She is here
She is happy
She is free
But when they run out I'm back to me
Who is me
Who is me
Who is me
Who am I

I want to die