Zindagi Kitni Haseen Hai

Part 18

Tell me somethin', girl
are you happy in this modern world?
or do you need more?
is there somethin' else
you're searchin' for?

• • •

Anika's Pov

Because of the blood and low sugar, I had somehow fallen unconscious. The cold had managed to make it worse. I could still hear a bit.

Shirley ran into the terrace, she looked at me shocked. The next thing I knew, everything went black.

Once I woke up, doctors were standing in front me. They scared me. I didn't like doctors. They seemed bossy. Looking at them, made me shiver.

Soon, Shivaay entered the ward. He seemed calm yet anxious. The doctors asked him some questions which he answered. He looked at me and then said something to Shirley. It made her leave.

He came towards me, his eyes showed pure disappointment. I looked at him, empty, not knowing what to say or do. His hand got lost in his hair. Shivaay seemed stressed.

"Why?", he asked. His voice was low, I expected him to yell at me.

"Because I don't want to live", I looked away. I didn't want to see him care about me. It would make me want to get better.

"I thought we were making progress?", we were and that's why I did it. I didn't deserve all of this.

"I'm meant to be dead", I told him. My head turned towards him.

"What stops you from living?", he asked me. I wasn't going to fall for his therapy tricks again.

"Stop trying to read me", I snapped at him. My tone was way too harsh but it didn't bother him, he seemed used to it.

"You owe me an answer", he growled. It started to make him angry. I wasn't good enough for him.

"You. I hate you. You make me want to live. You make me happy, which I don't deserve to be. You help me become a better person which I'm not", I yelled at him. Shivaay's eyes widened. He seemed stiff.

A never ending silence followed next. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.

"You should change therapist", he looked away. I stared at him blankly.

"I can't. I don't trust anybody else than you", I told him sternly.

"Huh, thanks", he chuckled coldly. Why was he taking the piss now?

"Could you leave now?", I asked him. He looked at me and left. Without arguing. Without trying to convince me to not change therapist.

After 3 days, I finally got discharged. Dad was waiting for me at home. His eyes had dark circles, he didn't smile. Then, I realized how much I had f**ked up.

It was all way too much for me. The pain, the healing, the happiness, the relapse and now the guilt. I couldn't see my fam breaking down because of me.

And that day, I realized if not for me, I had to stay alive for them. It was my second suicide attempt, well, this one was an accident.

The first time was right after Dad adopted me. Yes, I was adopted. My biological parents were dead. And I miss them everyday!

But that didn't mean I didn't love Dad and Shirley. They never made me feel like an outsider. I've always felt like I belonged with them.

Their pain was mine and mine was theirs. I didn't like watching them sad, because they were the only people I could call mine.

All my life the only thing I went though was pain. But then I met Dad, he became my support system. Shirley became my parents. She's younger than me, yet more mature.

When I used to get sick, they'd take care of me. Dad adopted me at the age of 16. He found me sitting on the road in the middle of the night.

I hadn't eaten for days, so I collapsed. He took me home and fed me. That night I slept in a warm bed, with my stomach filled and clean clothes.

I was too broken to talk, so he slowly approached me with his question. Soon, he took me in. Shirley didn't mind because she always wanted another family member.

Her mom died giving birth to her. Dad didn't get married afterwards because he never found someone as amazing as Ananya, Shirley's mom.

Well, that's how I went from being homeless to having somebody care about me.

I could add Shivay in this list but it didn't feel right. I didn't want him to love me cause it would make things just more complicated for him.

Plus, he could lose his job. Which I don't want to. I need him, as my therapist. Only Shivaay can help me to find who the real Anika was.

And I knew, however she was, she was beautiful.
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Let's heal, let's help the people who can't help themselves. That's humanity! Be human. Be kind :)

Amna xx