How would you feel? (Harry Styles) || COMPLETED

57. The Letter

«Thursday 2nd July 2015,

4.28 AM,

New York, US

My dearest Jade,

I know what you must be thinking. «Writing instead of speaking? What a bloody coward.» And you're probably right. I am, indeed, a coward. Or maybe you're not even surprised, after all we both know how bad I am when it comes to talking about serious matters, don't we? So I opted for this: a letter... something you can keep forever... something where I can finally be honest with you.

The first confession I have to make is that I didn't think it was going to be this hard to write to you... then I threw about ten papers in the bin and realized it was going to take longer than expected. Why is it so difficult to try and explain? I don't even know... but I can feel it, this is the one.

I'm in my hotel room. It's very nice, kind of cosy... you would love it here. I'm sat right next to the window and I'm staring at the skyline. It is breathtaking, almost like you. I remember how excited you were when you saw it for the first time. You looked like a joyful kid at Christmas and I can't help but smile at the memory. That day... that damned day.

I'm just 21, yet, as you know well, my life has been all over the place for a while now. I was lucky enough to experience unexplainable things, to travel the world, to meet some incredible people, some shitty people, and, overwhelmed by the never ending possibilities I was lucky enough to be offered, I always felt the need to smile, to accept the things I couldn't change and hide it if I was feeling sad or haunted (and I'm not saying it happened a lot of times, nor complaining about my life... I reckon you know I would never be that unappreciative). Nevertheless, as every human being, I made terrible mistakes, I have hurt the people I loved the most... I have hurt you, multiple times, terribly.

I've been living under the pressure of always being the kind one, the lovely one, for a while now... and I'm afraid of disappointing everybody with every move that I make. I'm afraid of losing their support if they see this side of me. Yet, I'm always able to disappoint the people I lean on. It's like my attempts at being the kind human being always fail when it comes to them. I have to hurt them some way, otherwise, it's not me. Does it even make sense? In my mind it does, and I'm sure you will understand. You always do.

Jade, I wouldn't be able to tell the exact moment I knew I loved you, but I remember that when our stares met at the party, the rest of the world seemed to vanish somehow... and ever since that night, there hasn't been a day you weren't on my mind. I don't even think there are enough words to describe the connection we have - we had - we have. Back in December, I was completely obsessed with you (I literally used to check your updates fan accounts on Twitter to see what you were up to) so my mother asked me what made you so special. Believe me when I say I didn't know how to explain it. I tried to... but I really couldn't. You were - are - my home. You gave me something to believe in and I will forever be grateful for the couple of months we spent together.

I know I ruined it - I ruined us - and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I feel ashamed for what I've done to you, to us. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for my action and I'm aware I deserve your hate, your disgust. I'm sorry it happened but most importantly I'm sorry I hurt you, out of all people.

I can't get the look you had on your face when you left the room out of my mind. Being aware of the pain I've put you through haunts me at night... but I deserve all these sleepless nights, don't I?

In a way, I hope you've forgotten about me - about it. Actually, that's a lie. I just hope you're not hurting anymore. Please, don't waste your tears on me. I'm just an asshole. That's what I am. And I don't deserve you, nor your pain. You'd probably agree if you were here with me, wouldn't you?

Actually, maybe you wouldn't. You're way too good to say something bad about anyone, even if they betrayed you. That's something I really love about you: your gold heart. You're genuine. You're kind. You' have the sweetest soul... and I hope I didn't ruin that too.

I realize now that I didn't tell you enough how much you are worth when I should have. I hope you know how beautiful, perfect and talented you are. You're an angel - my angel. Don't ever let people tell you- or make you believe - otherwise.

You'll be probably wondering why I didn't fight for you, why I didn't try to talk things through - and you have every right to be mad at me for that - but just know that I truly meant no harm that night. I didn't mean to disrespect you like that.

I owe you an explanation and I promise I will give it to you when I get better - when I'm ready - (if you'll let me).

You deserve all the love in the world and I wish I could have given it to you when I had the possibility.

I'll always be there for you. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to call me.

I truly, deeply love you.

I truly miss you.

I'm truly sorry.

Always in my heart and mind,

H.

P.S. Track 3. Track 6. Track 9.

P. P. S. I want you to know that I didn't mean to kiss her. »