The Wait Is Over

When The Helper Needs Help

"Perfection is a myth. Humans fail, and perseverance comes from learning to fail better." --Marc Schmidt, The Tao of Schmidt, March 25, 2022.

With an afternoon free from obligations, Adam grabs lunch with John Herdman, after which they retreat to the coach's room to dial up Marc for a debriefing and some spiritual nourishment for the seemingly overworked therapist.

Marc: Good afternoon, Coach. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?

John: Our friend here thought he could use some of your spiritual skill in working out his baggage from the past week here in Orlando. I'll let you two talk, then pop back in with what's on my mind for this spring and summer in Boston.

Adam: This week has been ROUGH! Never did I think that a gathering of 160 or so well-trained, disciplined, and high-level athletes could yield so many examples of how they are just. not. normal. people.

Marc: Start with the big stuff, so we can get that out of your system first.

Adam: The amount of bedhopping and infidelity around the women's soccer world is maddening. I expected there to be more sexual relationships between teammates here than you'd find elsewhere in sports, but the variety of serious, non-serious, and flip-flopped relationships is something else. I have at least three possible divorces around me, with all of them precipitated by them falling for someone else, one for a former teammate, one a player, and one another coach in the league. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm giving them good advice or just trying to patch a hole that will undoubtedly burst open again.

Marc: Did you read my quote and note today?

Adam: I haven't had a chance. I was in sessions all morning, one with the spouse of a player and the other with a player and her spouse.

Marc: I think it will be relevant to your situation. You seem to be holding yourself to a standard of perfection in your advising and counseling when that's not possible. Perfection is a myth, because we're human, and we fail now and again.

Adam: How do you press on when you feel as though you're not getting through to some people or when you don't even agree with your own conclusions?

Marc: You learn to fail better. If you act as though you don't want to fail, you end up creating a mindset where you fear giving ANY advice because you're afraid it's wrong. You have immense knowledge of this field and the subset you deal with, the off-field obstacles to on-field performance. You're about as learned in the subject as anyone out there, so you're much less likely to give REALLY bad guidance to someone. Self-doubt is a creepy little thing.

Adam: Don't I know it! Anything in that spiritual sack of yours that might help me re-focus away from that gnawing itch?

Marc: A few, actually, most of which I didn't share in today's piece. First, we all want people to develop grit or perseverance. That concept is nothing more than continuing on even after you fail. It's the outcome of learning to fail better, to get closer to the ideal, since perfection cannot be achieved. Discipleship is a form of perseverance and is called "a long obedience in the same direction." In your case, you're being obedient to your training, your education, and your experience in providing the best service to your clients as possible. Sometimes, it comes up roses, sometimes thorns. In the end, none of us are asked to solve the whole world's problems by ourselves, only to do our part in alleviating them within our midst.

Adam: But why do I feel as though I'm not in my element trying to counsel professional athletes, especially females?

Marc: Maybe it's not your cup of tea. Maybe you need more chances to test your theories before you'll feel comfortable offering advice based on them. When I got into coaching women's soccer, I didn't know if I could relate to the players, if they would see me as an empowerer or as a taskmaster. Over time, with patience on everyone's part, I was able to bridge the invisible gap I placed between myself and them. It's said that endurance is patience concentrated. You have to be willing to take your time to learn how best these highly-motivated and perfection-seeking individuals take criticism or advice or guidance. Some might respond very well to your approach, some won't, and that's nothing against you. Let's go through a couple of examples from the week and see if I can inject some heart into all the head stuff.