Pinned but Fluttering

Chapter 33: An Interlude

Chapter 33 ~ Interlude

He knew that she was the one. He knew this fact not with his mind - which was lightning quick in apprehending anything logical and reasonable and information-based. He knew this truth in the pit of his stomach, in the recesses of his heart. If he had a soul — a fact that he seriously doubted — he would be forced to admit that he knew she was his to the very depths of his soul.

But he didn't believe that he possessed a soul.

However, if he were not a soulless monster who had preyed upon countless human lives, he might be worthy of her...some day. Yes, the lives he had ended were those of the very dregs of society, the evil monsters who did not possess souls either, the ones who raped and tortured and murdered at will. After hearing the vile desires and plans passing through their unspeakably evil minds, he became judge, jury, and executioner. For the several years he spent on his own, he had convinced himself, albeit weakly, that he was saving more lives than he was taking.

But, deep down in that soul he didn't believe he possessed, he knew that he was no better than the monstrous lives he had ended because he murdered not for the altruistic reasons he clung to. No, he did not murder to protect...although protection provided a satisfyingly exculpatory perk. No, he murdered first and foremost to taste their sweet, hot blood, feebly justifying his actions until he could bear the guilt and shame no longer.

Welcomed home by an ecstatic Carlisle and Esme like the Prodigal, he rejoined his family and their “vegetarian” lifestyle, but those years on his own had done their damage. He could only see himself as a monster, the most dreaded kind: soulless, evil at heart, unworthy of the kind of love he witnessed daily under the roof he shared with his family. To quiet his conscience and to give the other couples privacy, he frequently took himself on solitary runs, finding his only comfort in speed, not realizing that he was trying to outrun himself.

Silently and enviously, he watched the perfectly-matched couples he lived with, awestruck by the love and pure connection they shared, how their minds and hearts melded effortlessly into one. When they craved physical intimacy with their mates, he thoughtfully slipped from their minds, allowing them what little privacy was possible in a home with three wedded vampire couples who could hear every whisper of love.

But no matter how deeply he ached for that connection with another, it never seemed to be within his reach. Many women, vampire and human, wanted him because of his physical beauty, but none seemed intrigued by the man behind the facade. Even Tanya, the most persistent of those who had pursued him, desired him mostly because of his indifference; she sought him not as a man, but as a challenge. Simply because he seemed unattainable, she wanted him all the more.

But it wasn't enough. He wanted — no, needed – something more than mere physical release. He viewed love as essential to the experience, and because of his early 20th century upbringing, intimacy must be preceded by courtship and marriage. But he found himself dreadfully out of step with the current generation of both humans and vampires who took no issue with casual “hooking up,” a practice that appalled him.

So he remained alone...and lonely. Patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) he waited, not knowing for what (or for whom) he waited.

And then after decades of being the loner, the solitary one, his black eyes met hers, warmed to the hue of melting milk chocolate. Blushing, awkward, modest, and quietly beautiful, she was everything he had ever dreamed of, everything he had imagined. He was entranced from the moment his eyes took her in, her silent mind a frustrating albeit a peaceful exception to the puerile thoughts of the rest of the students at Forks High.

Because of his damnable past, it seemed to be a simple case of divine justice that the one mind he longed to hear above all others was closed to him. Yet her silence, peaceful though it was, was unwelcome to him as he immediately wanted to know her every thought, her every dream, and even the most insignificant details of her human life. He wanted – no, needed – to know her utterly and completely.